since you've been gone

monday morning my husband left for a business trip. by eleven o'clock in the morning thing two had gotten a dvd stuck in the dvd player. sometimes i just don't have it in me for one more argument. so i let her put the dvd in. and spent the next half an hour removing the player's cover. and getting it unstuck. but she didn't need to know it was fixed. by one o'clock in the afternoon there was a small flood. in the downstairs bathroom. now, i can't scold either one of them. they were washing their hands. after going to the bathroom. however, when i went downstairs because they had to 'show me something' i had no idea. their step stool was up to the sink. and there was a half a bowl of water. because they put the stopper down. the other half was on the counter. and puddled in the drawers. beneath the sink. after i soaked up all the water i called the plumber. to fix the broken seal. it's a vessel bowl. guess who's getting a new sink? later that evening we have tantrum 2,925. tuesday morning i wake from a restful night. surprisingly. it's going to be a great day. until the children woke up. the tantrums and hitting are all. day. long. thank god for my good neighbors. mr. good neighbor is going to watch the evil spawn while mrs. good neighbor and i are going for a walk. i then learn that there were burglars in the neighborhood early that morning. great. when we get home from walking i get the kids to bed. i finally fall asleep. out of pure exhaustion. listening to every. single. noise. like the furnace burglar. and heat duct burglar. and sump pump burglar. and then making sure that all outside lights are on. including several in the house. so it's now three-thirty in the morning. i hear something out in the living room. it's not the furnace burglar. or the heat duct burglar. or even the sump pump burglar. i freak out at first. because, you know. it's the burglar. i hear tinkering. i wake up a little bit more. get brave. and stand up to peer out my door. i thought i would find the burglar. or thing one. at the very least. instead i see just a book. seemingly in the air. turning the pages all by itself. upon further investigation, it's thing two. laying down sideways in the chair. i can now hear her whisper reading a book. over my rapidly beating heart attack. i stand there for a few minutes. watching her. until i catch her eye. i was ready. to unleash my first tirade of the very early day.

thing two [looking over at me with her sweet little face]: 'mom, i went poop. it's all over my hand.'
me: 'what?!'

so, i take her in the bathroom. only to find she had already been in there. because 4,936 clean wipes were already in the toilet.

thing two: 'i wiped my hands already.'

oh, really? whatever. so, much to my surprise, she had this very smelly pull-up to which she told me was waiting for me to get up. so she could change it. well, that was thoughtful. i really hope this is a one time incident. because that would just make my day. and it's only three hours into a new one.