what comes around goes around

i was a horrible child. i never had anything to wear. no matter what my mom tried we did not have a good morning. from what i am told. she tried picking clothes out the night before. by morning i didn't want to wear what we had picked out. she would try to pick the clothes out. she would have me pick the clothes out. nothing worked. all of this before she had to go to work in the morning. i am surprised she still talks to me. out of pure frustration, with a bit of satisfaction i am learning, she would tell me to wear my birthday suit. and then i would get even more mad because i didn't know what a birthday suit was. i thought for sure i was in the clear when we had a boy. surely, boys don't care what they wear. nope. the other day i got out will's favorite moose overalls and paired it with a white long sleeve collared shirt. nope. shirt, shirt he says pointing to a yellow, blue and white striped shirt hanging in his closet. i tried to ignore him knowing it wasn't going to match the brown, orange and white overalls. then he started to kick. and hit. so, i caved. why argue over a shirt that doesn't match when we aren't even leaving the house? so, i started to take the white shirt off and into a fit we go. again. shirt, shirt he kept saying. i am trying to put the freaking shirt, shirt on will! i finally gave up and asked if he wanted the shirt over what he had on. i got a dah and a smile. you have got to be kidding me. so, into the kitchen we go all smiles with his snap-crotch shirt over his overalls and collared shirt. and for the record, i still have nothing to wear.

whopper

the book of the minute is still snowmen at christmas at our house these days. it is a book by caralyn buehner. it's a beautifully illustrated rhyming book about how snowmen celebrate christmas. one page reads '...while the fiddler plays, and sweet silver bells ring, they sing songs about snow, and the birth of a king.' no matter how many times we have read it and i correct him will always says, 'burger king, burger king'.

sunday, bloody sunday

i usually only make one post per day. unless it's real special. ah, sunday mornings. i love sunday mornings. it's my time. i go get groceries. i run errands. i know it is a day of worship for most but this is my church. i reflect upon many things on sunday mornings. i also get great deals on the bargain cart from the bakery. so, i am off to get groceries this morning. i am loving life. jamming to a michael jackson and paul mccartney duet. yes, on the oldies station. but dualing banjos was not far from my mind... i spend an hour at the store gathering goodies for the upcoming week. by the way, is it just me or is the time one spends picking out the most pristine apples one by one wasted as the cashier is oblivious to the care one takes in picking out these apples that are not bruised only to throw them down and into a bag? anyway, i go to pay and they need to see i.d. well, remembering that i went to the sos a few days ago i coudn't remember where my license was to save me. no, mom i did not put it back where it belonged. so, i said i didn't have it. oh, and today i got friendly cashier to make matters more helpful. she says i can't process it. i am thinking to myself i spend 150 dollars in your store every week and you won't just hit the button to say it is me. it's not like she has to take a picture of my i.d. nope. i have worked in customer service for over a decade and do you know how far an 'i apologize for the inconvenience' will get you no matter what the situation?! she said not one word other than she couldn't process the order. i even asked if i could go get my vehicle registration and insurance. nope. i said i was sorry that i didn't have my license and i guess i will have to leave the groceries here. i understand they have policies but how lucky could one person be to steal a purse and a car on one sunday morning all before nine o'clock? on my way out i dug a little deeper into my purse and i found my license. i got the groceries in my car and off i went. i am a sucker for old guys but sam you are banned. say, say, say wal-mart, you just got my last dollar. and yes, i put my effing license back in my wallet.

not a goodie

i am struggling to find a radio station to my liking in these parts of the woods. as soon as i settle for one it goes from u2 to p diddy or puff daddy or whatever he is calling himself these days. so i thought i would resort to something tried and true. an oldies station. i figured i should be pretty safe. besides, half the stuff on there is what i used to listen to in the eighties. shocking but true. as i pulled into my destination i hear one guitar strum. doiwng out of the left speaker. oh, no i didn't. and then another. doiwng out of the right speaker. i cannot believe my ears. and then doiwng, doiwng out of the left speaker. doiwng, doiwng out of the right speaker. oh, yes i did. folks, i have been listening to oldies stations for a long time and i have never, ever heard this come over the airwaves. why, it's none other than dualing banjos. i immediately pulled into the closest parking spot and called my husband. because if someone else didn't hear it with their own two ears on the radio no one would have ever believed me. i need not mention i was, very appropriately, at wal-mart.

hit list

yesterday reminded me that there are a handful of people in this world that i could punch right in the face. no questions asked. meat counter lady as you would have already guessed. the wife of an old boss. i would have to punch her a couple of times though. she wore so much makeup i wouldn't reach her actual face with the first hit. the sister-in-law of a friend. i have never even met her but the things she does puts her on my list. until yesterday that was it. old boyfriends are not on the list. because even after all of the heartaches i won in the end. it would be a waste of my time. so they don't make the cut. plus, two of them are cops. as i walked into the secretary of state yesterday afternoon a feeling came over me that someone else was going to be added to the list. i hadn't even walked completely through the door and someone had made the list already. usually, when walking into a building and there are two doors you would walk in through the right door and out through the left door. not in niles. although clearly marked on the outside and inside of both glass doors read 'in' and 'out'. actually 'inni' and 'outtuo' being glass. anyway, as i was walking correctly through the 'inni' door a lady that was leaving said 'people can't even walk through the right door.' already nerved up from just thinking about having to go to the secretary of state i quickly snapped 'it says in (all you got to do is looook).' i felt a little better after i mentioned that fact to the nice lady. as i waited in line i became more irritated. not with illiterate lady but with the entire setup. as we are constantly reminded of our state's economy i am looking around and thinking i could save this state a billion dollars just with this one branch of government. there were eleven security cameras. eleven. there were two phillips 42" lcd televisions. they were on a feed about michigan tourism. oh, but you couldn't hear them. there was music piped in on the overhead speakers. plus, who cares? we live here. and best of all a security guard. security guard you ask? me too. the only thing i saw him do in the hour that we were there was take a cup of coffee away from someone and sit and talk to his buddy while two people in wheelchairs were trying to leave through the 'outtuo' door. that's right. the office wasn't even equipped with handicap accessible doors. so, you're on the list too terri lynn land. shame on you.

less is more

this post contains subject matter pertaining to, in part, a particular female product. if you don't wish to read this any further we will see you tomorrow. if you are intrigued, by all means, read on. the other day i had to buy tampons. i noticed on the back of the box they now have embossed images to show how a tampon works. this is wrong on so many levels. first of all, i have had my period for about twenty-four years. i know how a freaking tampon works. secondly, i noticed there are four less tampons per box. thirdly, the cost for those four less tampons is, you guessed it, more money. in my previous life, i was in the printing business. why is this important? i know that embossing is expensive and i don't want to pay for it. all i want is forty tampons per box not thirty-six, no fancy embellishments and the box to be clearly marked deodorant or non-deodorant in large letters because no one wants to get back in their car after going to the grocery store from running errands and have the inside of the car smelling like urinal cakes for god's sake. don't even get me started on the new slogan for kotex. have a happy period. obviously, the person that came up with that never had one. and chewing gum. it's like origami these days. if you need a packaging engineer to design your gum package to sell it, face it, your gum just isn't that good in the first place. only fish are attracted to shiny things. so let's bring back the foil wrapper with the rip-away top, shall we?

rural ghetto

where shotgun shells are apparently cheaper than fireworks. at midnight. i did not ring in a happy new year being blasted out of my bed by the sound of shots fired. thank you very much.