play by play

here is a brief description of my afternoon. a short span of time ten miles south of common sense. at approximately 1:26 pm i pulled into the gas station. at wal-marts. thing two and i had to pick a few things up at the store while thing one was at school. and wal-marts was the closest. and they had gas. as i pulled into the gas station i noticed that there were lines of cars. like two and three deep at the pumps. great. upon closer look i noticed that there were three pumps open on the opposite sides of where these cars were lined up to get gas. so i pull around. pull up to the opposite side of the pump. and pump my gas. here's a newsflash. you can actually pull around to the opposite side of the pump. and your gas tank will also be on that opposite side. cue sound of crickets. i then proceed into the wal-marts parking lot. at approximately 1:34 pm. with caution. i am going the correct direction to park in the particular lane i chose. when i see a crown victoria headed directly towards me. in the middle of the lane. against the grain. i swerve. we safely make it into the store. it didn't matter which aisle we went down. everyone was cutting in front of us. with no mention of the words excuse me. and they were driving their carts on the left side of the aisle. everywhere. so i spent the rest of the time trying to figure out how we ended up in england. at approximately 2:05 pm we loaded our bags into the van. and started to back out. but not before some jackhole pulled out in back of us. and you guessed it. against the grain. nearly rear ending us. from the front. at this point we were still a little early to pick up thing one so we took a little drive. nice fall day. until the ups truck decides to pull off on the side of the road. facing us on the opposite shoulder. and some other jackhole pulls out from behind the ups truck to pass. leaving me to throw on the brakes. so that i can let him pass. because i had the right of way and all. i saved the best for last. at approximately 3:40 pm i got behind a slow driver. no, they were not going the speed limit. they were about twenty miles per hour under. it was a black honda civic. coupe. they were weaving all over the road too. so we get to a four way stop. and there was a car on the left that stopped slightly after the civic stopped. so we just sat there. for what seemed like hours. because the gal in the civic was trying to wave the other car through. but the other car couldn't see her. because her windows were so tinted you couldn't see through them. at approximately 3:56 pm i pulled into our garage. at approximately 3:58 pm i opened a bottle of wine. at approximately 3:59 pm i finished that bottle of wine. and that was just the afternoon. cheery ho.

home sick

so this is weird. just about the time we moved ten miles south of common sense we have wanted to leave. people just don't. have. a. clue. among other things. as you are all well aware. knowing this, our good neighbors mentioned to an acquaintance of theirs that we may be interested in selling our house. now, we wouldn't leave the area. we would just rent until we were officially ready. to evacuate. it would just make us more free. to move about the country. we showed the house today. even though it's not for sale. really. but when someone is interested in this market we thought we should do a dry run. we love our house. now that we fixed everything that was wrong. and just got done with the finishing touches. hmmmm. sounds vaguely familiar. anyway, couldn't really tell if there was any interest on the other end. especially after i mentioned the price tag. but before they left, one of the kids was climbing all over our brand new furniture. with his shoes on. and the other one spit out is chewing gum. on the living room carpet. maybe i'm not ready for this after all...

it's a bird. it's a plane.

no. it's the sheet of paper with all the birds on it. today we visited fernwood botanical gardens. inside the nature center building were huge windows. for bird watching. complete with many pairs of binoculars. thing two couldn't get her binoculars around her neck fast enough. no sooner did she get them in place she gasped with excitement, 'i see all the birds!' we didn't have the heart to tell her she was looking at the piece of paper featuring common birds which was placed against the inside of the window.

just do it

www.pinterest.com

and you had better pack a lunch.

falling down

thing one woke up this morning. disgusted. after throwing open his window shade to see that the leaves were still on the trees. 'it's the first day of fall, you know.'

road trip

warning: this post may contain offensive language. more offensive than usual. hence the warning.

tonight we headed back home. for my husband's high school class reunion. i was looking forward to it. after planning my own high school reunion last year i could actually sit back and enjoy myself. or so i thought. we left our house after my husband got out of work. knowing, scratch that, dreading the fact that we had to stop with thing one and two for dinner on the way. they always want to stop at mcdonalds. we do not. especially after seeing the youtube video on how chicken mcnuggets are made last week. but that's for another time. we didn't tell them ahead of time. to prepare them. and we paid. let's just say they were total assholes. so much so that we changed their names from thing one and thing two to asshole one and asshole two. after what seemed like five hours at applebee's. and fifty-seven minutes. we left the restaurant. with the assholes. and headed the rest of the way home. until we got pulled over. for speeding. usually, when you see a cop, you slow down. nope. not asshole three. he keeps on speeding. the nice officer just gave us a warning. but not before he had to write us up for not having a current certificate of insurance. in the car. enter asshole four. we finally made it to my parents' house. after what seemed like a day. and a half. there were two nights of reunion festivities planned. the first night we headed out to dinner with the barnyards. before enjoying a loon's baseball game. the second night was the big shindig. and lots more. and by lots more i mean crazy mother fuckers. every time my husband, who was now well on his way to alcohol poisoning, would introduce me to another of his former classmates they were crazy mother fuckers. all of them. 'now this guy, this guy, here, was a crazy mother fucker, right here'. all. night. long. until we got home. at four am. now, this wouldn't be all that bad. but we had to leave at seven am. so we could make it back home. for asshole one's first ever birthday party that he was invited to. that sunday. and there was no way we were missing it. so, after staying up until four am, with all of the crazy mother fuckers, i had to pack everything. including the car. while the crazy mother fucker-er lay in bed. until the very. last. second. and i thought the trip over was bad. i'm just glad these things only happen once every twenty years.

here's your sign

you might be a redneck engineer if... this gem was found at a mcdonald's. in kokomo indiana.