hystorical

after our wonderful dining experience at foul ball we were sitting at the table waiting for the kids to finish their icecream. i had laid a five dollar bill on the table. for the tip. much to my dismay. anyway, as i laid the money on the table sophie asked what the ticket was for. i told her it was money. and that it was a tip for service. even though it sucked. she asked who the guy was. i told her abe lincoln.

will [gasping]: a blinkin'! can we go look at christmas lights tonight?!

all aboard

saturday night we took the kids to the amtrak train station lighting. in niles. when i first learned my husband got a new job in niles i told everyone where we were moving. a handful knew where it was. the others i just told them it was between the 'e' and 't' in ghetto. the train station is a great building. and the parking lot is safe. however, we did not get a parking spot in the parking lot. nope. we had to park where the sidewalk ends. literally. between the 'e' and 't'. so, awhile back i was searching on craigslist and there was an ad for a santa. he will come to your house. now, the picture in the ad was fabulous. and i thought, yeah right. he probably shows up at your house with no pants on. so, we get to the lighting ceremony and much to our surprise there was santa. the santa from craigslist. he was a great santa. and he had pants on. he spent a lot of time with our kids. he had some great stories. and we are thinking of having him come to our house next year. my parents did that for my sister and i. once. my dad set this whole thing up for one of his buddies to come visit in a santa suit. after all of that planning, santa walked in the door and we greeted him with 'hi, shrock.' epic fail. anyway, we had a really great night. until dinner. now, i love a good diner. and we love to go to family owned restaurants. but this particular establishment could well top the truck stop in logansport. almost. it's called home plate. in niles. actually it's in the taint. the stretch of road between niles and south bend. that we don't know really what it is. anyway, we walk in and let's just say the cream of the crop are all present and accounted for. i think campbell's should name their next soup after them. the second i walk in i just felt like i needed a shower. i thought the food must be out of this world. not so much. when we finally got to order. and it finally got to our table. half way through our meal one of the servers dropped an entire platter of prepared food on his way to a table. what happened next will go down in the record books. one guy starts to clap. and then another. and another. and yet another. the only people that weren't clapping were us, of course. and the table behind us who were also of sound mind. my husband's back was toward most of the oddities. i just sat there in disbelief. there was the lady that was picking her teeth. with her straw. and then drank out of it. there was circus freaks table. complete with son or daughter with a mullet. along with meth mom. and creepy aids grampa. who had a strong resemblance to paul benedict. from the jeffersons. with aids. and mad max uncle rounding out the table. that had enough barbs and wires in his head to pass for a fence. and then there was the hightop table. just one. there was a couple sitting in it. and the half wall came to just right below this person's nose that was facing me. i glanced over several times during the meal. admiring her hair. it was silver. with waves. and after the prostitute was seated next to us with a purple velour jumpsuit the couple from the high table got up to pay their bill. much to my surprise it wasn't a woman at all. it was a dude. perhaps they should change the name to foul ball. or swing and a miss.

stuck on you

i believe it was the trip to wal-marts after the dude with the extra wide mirrors invaded my parking space that i stopped going to wal-marts for my weekly shopping trip all together. because the week after, i decided to go to ghetto wal-marts versus the redneck wal-marts. and it wasn't any better. especially after i picked up a bag of grapes to purchase. and there was someone's used band-aid hanging from the bottom of the bag. that was it. back to meijer. i am thrifty after all. i had forgotten about the band-aid incident. until i took a shower on friday. there in the shower next to my sesame seed oil it laid. a used band-aid. from my husband, apparently. i guess if he ever loses his job i know where he can get a new one.

slip of the tongue

back when i was younger i couldn't keep a secret. now that i'm older, well, i still have a difficult time. now, i am not talking things that are said in confidence. i am talking presents. gifts. things you buy that you are so excited about. you just can hardly contain yourself. back in my babysitting days a family that I sat for had two young children at the time. the older of the two was just able to talk. so, one day her mom had gone to the local art fair. and purchased a gift for her husband. when she got home she showed it to me. it was a beautiful wooden cutting board. and when her little girl asked her what it was the mom told her it was a hockey puck. brilliant. that must have been over twenty years ago. and i am thinking my mom could have used that line with me. a few times. i can't remember how old i was but my mom had orchestrated this grand scheme, back in the day, to get hbo hooked up at our house for one of my dad's christmas presents without my dad knowing anything about it. i am pretty sure she had to take some time off work. a couple of times. for the thing to finally get hooked up. you know, the tan box. with the black slide buttons on top. with no remote. seriously. so, christmas eve finally arrives with much anticipation. we are all opening gifts. one person at a time. it's my dad's turn. he opens up a box. it's a sweater. and out of my mouth comes, 'oh. i thought it was hbo.' nope. not that box. i really did think it was hbo. and i really did think my mom was going to kill me. and you can bet every year after that when someone opens a box the phrase 'i thought it was hbo' comes out. at some point. every. single. year. after. now, fast forward thirty some years. my mom's birthday is in september. earlier in the summer i had bought my mom a hose reel basket that she had admired at a local store for her birthday. i had it sitting on top of the freezer in the garage to keep it out of the way. one weekend my mom had come down to visit. one night we were all getting in the car to go for ice cream. as we all loaded in my son yells, 'look, gran! your present!' i immediately asked will if he remembered that the gift was supposed to be for gran's birthday. next month. without hesitation will yells, 'surprise!' and i thought it was hbo.

heaven sent

earlier this week the good neighbor and i, along with the kids, drove to grand rapids. to do some goodwill shopping. they have the best goodwill stores. unbelievably good. not just the stuff in the stores. but the stores themselves. they are like department stores. all of their clothes are sorted by size. each kind of clothing is marked the same price. and i have only found a few items that have had a stain. or have been ripped. and i have been going there for years. and they don't even staple a price tag in their beautifully donated clothing either. imagine that. anyway, we had gone to one goodwill, had eaten lunch at real food cafe and then we were off to another goodwill. while we were there will was in my cart and sophie was in the good neighbor's cart. as i rounded the corner in the housewares aisle there was an older lady reaching for a cookie jar that was a snowman next to a christmas tree. will's eyes lit up in delight as she pulled the top off of the christmas tree part. we exchanged pleasantries with the lady. i said to will that it looked like the cookie jar found a nice new home as she placed the cookie jar into her cart. will had agreed that yes it had. so, we continued to look around the store. we checked out each others treasures. took sophie to the bathroom. three times. and as the good neighbor and i met up again i noticed an employee standing next to my cart. i apologized. as i thought i was in her way. she had, in her hands, a wrapped item in a tied goodwill bag. she told me there was no need to apologize. i wasn't in her way. she was there to give me this bag. a customer [the older lady] told her she saw the light in my son's eyes when she took the lid off of this cookie jar. she bought it. and wanted him to have it. and disappeared. without a trace.

in the dark

will woke up one morning this week. and he was annoyed. as i was sitting on the couch, he came bursting out of his room. looked at me and said, 'will you turn that light off?! i am trying to sleep! i am waiting for the sun to come up.' i wouldn't have found this so amusing if he didn't sleep with his overhead light on. all. night. long.

an open letter

dear hellmann's:

if people eat real mayonnaise i highly doubt they give two shakes that you use cage free eggs in your product. but thanks for noting it on your label. i'm just saying.

thanks