speed racer

yesterday was my quarterly trip to grand rapids. to visit the hair god. on the way i came up on this gem. in three rivers. i don't care how many racing stripes you put on your grand marquis. off-centered or not. it's not cool. even if you were a taxi. but you're not. so you don't even have that going for you. on the way back from the hair god i noted another gem. i did not take a photo. because even i think these particular ornaments are offensive. and just plain gross. usually found hanging and swaying freely from the hitch of a jeep, or jacked up truck. the driver no doubt has a mullet. and a gun rack. and a confederate flag license plate. and a piss on [fill in the blank] decal in the back window. it's none other than the plastic set of testicles. bulls balls, i believe, is their official name. and as i understand they are now offered in a lighted version. they light up when you hit the brakes. now, first of all, no one even wants to see a set of balls on a dog. let alone a vehicle. and how does one go about purchasing a set of balls for one's car. i mean, how do you even ask where those would be located in a store. with a straight face. i don't even think they would sell those at wal-marts.

an open letter

dear kellogg's special k chocolatey delight:

will you marry me? i'd appreciate it.

thanks

on a positive note

so. i was thinking. i may have actually found one positive thing living ten miles south of common sense. just one. if there is no courthouse. there is no jury duty. correct?

driving miss crazy, part infinity

i am really not sure i know which part we are on. you haven't heard about moho in a long time. because she had her baby. they should have named the kid dominos. because in true moho fashion she pushed for thirty minutes. got up. packed her bags. and went to florida. for her maternity leave me alone. if the hospital had a maternity drive-thru she would have used it. and the last i heard from her was when she got me looped into helping her with our class reunion. i use the word helping very loosely. the next time moho calls and needs help with something i am pretty sure i will have left the country. forever.

country band

a smuggling. denotes any item which, related to it's nature, is illegal to be possessed. illegal or prohibited traffic in goods. goods or merchandise whose importation, exportation or possession is forbidden. every night before bed we have to check for country band. under will's mattress. seems during the day he hides stuff under there. and after we put him to bed he can't wait to jump back out of bed. and get his stash. drumsticks. cars. straws. i keep telling him i can see with my ears. but when he whips out his contraband and starts to bang it on his bed. he is caught. red handed. so now, before we even start to put his blankets on [all 5] he tells us to check for country band.

here's your sign

this is a sign. at the local dentist's office. here in ten miles south of common sense. i guess rainbow colored teeth wouldn't have been my first choice for a sign. if i were, say, a dentist.