toot your own horn

last night we were invited to a neighborhood gathering. just the cool ones were invited. no cheerleaders allowed. or gymnasts. it is always great to get together. and get our drunk on. we're so good at it. plus, we always have a laugh riot. note to husband: if you're ever asked to go home and get that second bottle of wine for me, refuse. anyway, at one point, the subject of trains came up. shocker. we were telling them about a train we bought for our kids that hooks onto the trunk of a christmas tree. and the tracks run around the outside of the tree. a friend of mine posted a video of theirs the other day on facebook. when i saw it i knew i had to have it for thing one. so, that lead me to ask about the freight trains. that run all. night. long. this one in particular. every so often when i'm up in the middle of the night i hear it. its not a chupacabra. its the disgruntled train engineer. he starts blowing his whistle [and by whistle i mean air horn times 1,302,698] in granger. and keeps hanging on until he gets to cassopolis. which is about ten miles. straight. i thought i was the only one that noticed. nope. maybe he's been working on the railroad. all the livelong day. and he's mad. because his name is dinah.

dog gone it

i haven't updated about the cn [if you've forgotten it originally stood for cheerleader neighbor. which actually should have been gn. for gymnastics neighbor. but i got the two confused. its a long story. its the way she walks. anywhere. arms straight. flitting them forward. in rhythmic motion. like during the olympics. when the group of gymnasts move anywhere in a group. in a line. its actually quite hysterical to watch her. although, she does act like a cheerleader too. many incidents later the c stands for something else anyway] in quite some time. partly because i could devote an entire blog just to her. and i have better things to do. like clean. the hair out of my shower drain. so, things haven't really changed. the dog is left outside without any kind of containment [still] and barks furiously at me. while i get my own mail. in my own yard. but now the eight year old comes outside. with short sleeves. in the freezing cold. to hold their dog in their yard. every. time. this is after a few months ago when the good neighbor and i were coming back from a walk. and stopped at the end of my driveway. to finish our conversation. we were minding our own business. when all of a sudden their dog came charging through their backyard. jumps off their deck. throws itself into the middle of my front yard. all the while furiously barking at us. we were just standing at the end of my driveway. talking. on my property. after a few seconds of furious barking she then proceeds to pee all over our fresh, new lawn. at no point did anyone from the cn house come out. totally. oblivious. and i'm the bitch. hello, karma? i'd like to schedule a pick up.

name game

http://www.pumpkinvine.org/newsletters/August%202011.pdf

please scroll to page eight. b. harry dyck on the 2011 pumpkinvine bike ride. really? harry was the better of the two?!

halloween notables

thing one insisted on being a ghost. last month. me, being cheap, didn't look for a ghost costume. because we already have 3,482 costumes downstairs. just waiting to be worn. so i held off. and accidentally found one saturday. for five bucks. and bought it. thing two was going to be a kitty. was. trick or treating started at six last night. fifteen minutes before we were to set out for the night both decided they didn't want to be a ghost. or a kitty. thing one now wanted to be thomas. and thing two now wanted to be a lion. again. thank god for the downstairs costume store.

thing one [after walking for a few houses]: [gasp] 'i've flattened my buffers!'

thing two [after thanking someone for the candy]: [sternly] 'will! did you say thank you?!'

thing one [at the same house]: [gasp] 'a lollipop?! awwww! just what i always wanted!'

thing two [after thanking another person for the candy to the person that handed her the candy]: 'but i don't like this kind.'

guess i'll save these costumes for next year. i won't have to take any pictures.

happy halloween

thing two: 'there sure are a lot of franklinsteins this season.'

here's your sign

we just got ours today. easy to install.

see and seek

i don't think she has quite grasped the concept of the hide part. i think she'll fit it real nice like down here ten miles south of common sense.

play by play

here is a brief description of my afternoon. a short span of time ten miles south of common sense. at approximately 1:26 pm i pulled into the gas station. at wal-marts. thing two and i had to pick a few things up at the store while thing one was at school. and wal-marts was the closest. and they had gas. as i pulled into the gas station i noticed that there were lines of cars. like two and three deep at the pumps. great. upon closer look i noticed that there were three pumps open on the opposite sides of where these cars were lined up to get gas. so i pull around. pull up to the opposite side of the pump. and pump my gas. here's a newsflash. you can actually pull around to the opposite side of the pump. and your gas tank will also be on that opposite side. cue sound of crickets. i then proceed into the wal-marts parking lot. at approximately 1:34 pm. with caution. i am going the correct direction to park in the particular lane i chose. when i see a crown victoria headed directly towards me. in the middle of the lane. against the grain. i swerve. we safely make it into the store. it didn't matter which aisle we went down. everyone was cutting in front of us. with no mention of the words excuse me. and they were driving their carts on the left side of the aisle. everywhere. so i spent the rest of the time trying to figure out how we ended up in england. at approximately 2:05 pm we loaded our bags into the van. and started to back out. but not before some jackhole pulled out in back of us. and you guessed it. against the grain. nearly rear ending us. from the front. at this point we were still a little early to pick up thing one so we took a little drive. nice fall day. until the ups truck decides to pull off on the side of the road. facing us on the opposite shoulder. and some other jackhole pulls out from behind the ups truck to pass. leaving me to throw on the brakes. so that i can let him pass. because i had the right of way and all. i saved the best for last. at approximately 3:40 pm i got behind a slow driver. no, they were not going the speed limit. they were about twenty miles per hour under. it was a black honda civic. coupe. they were weaving all over the road too. so we get to a four way stop. and there was a car on the left that stopped slightly after the civic stopped. so we just sat there. for what seemed like hours. because the gal in the civic was trying to wave the other car through. but the other car couldn't see her. because her windows were so tinted you couldn't see through them. at approximately 3:56 pm i pulled into our garage. at approximately 3:58 pm i opened a bottle of wine. at approximately 3:59 pm i finished that bottle of wine. and that was just the afternoon. cheery ho.

home sick

so this is weird. just about the time we moved ten miles south of common sense we have wanted to leave. people just don't. have. a. clue. among other things. as you are all well aware. knowing this, our good neighbors mentioned to an acquaintance of theirs that we may be interested in selling our house. now, we wouldn't leave the area. we would just rent until we were officially ready. to evacuate. it would just make us more free. to move about the country. we showed the house today. even though it's not for sale. really. but when someone is interested in this market we thought we should do a dry run. we love our house. now that we fixed everything that was wrong. and just got done with the finishing touches. hmmmm. sounds vaguely familiar. anyway, couldn't really tell if there was any interest on the other end. especially after i mentioned the price tag. but before they left, one of the kids was climbing all over our brand new furniture. with his shoes on. and the other one spit out is chewing gum. on the living room carpet. maybe i'm not ready for this after all...

it's a bird. it's a plane.

no. it's the sheet of paper with all the birds on it. today we visited fernwood botanical gardens. inside the nature center building were huge windows. for bird watching. complete with many pairs of binoculars. thing two couldn't get her binoculars around her neck fast enough. no sooner did she get them in place she gasped with excitement, 'i see all the birds!' we didn't have the heart to tell her she was looking at the piece of paper featuring common birds which was placed against the inside of the window.

just do it

www.pinterest.com

and you had better pack a lunch.

falling down

thing one woke up this morning. disgusted. after throwing open his window shade to see that the leaves were still on the trees. 'it's the first day of fall, you know.'

road trip

warning: this post may contain offensive language. more offensive than usual. hence the warning.

tonight we headed back home. for my husband's high school class reunion. i was looking forward to it. after planning my own high school reunion last year i could actually sit back and enjoy myself. or so i thought. we left our house after my husband got out of work. knowing, scratch that, dreading the fact that we had to stop with thing one and two for dinner on the way. they always want to stop at mcdonalds. we do not. especially after seeing the youtube video on how chicken mcnuggets are made last week. but that's for another time. we didn't tell them ahead of time. to prepare them. and we paid. let's just say they were total assholes. so much so that we changed their names from thing one and thing two to asshole one and asshole two. after what seemed like five hours at applebee's. and fifty-seven minutes. we left the restaurant. with the assholes. and headed the rest of the way home. until we got pulled over. for speeding. usually, when you see a cop, you slow down. nope. not asshole three. he keeps on speeding. the nice officer just gave us a warning. but not before he had to write us up for not having a current certificate of insurance. in the car. enter asshole four. we finally made it to my parents' house. after what seemed like a day. and a half. there were two nights of reunion festivities planned. the first night we headed out to dinner with the barnyards. before enjoying a loon's baseball game. the second night was the big shindig. and lots more. and by lots more i mean crazy mother fuckers. every time my husband, who was now well on his way to alcohol poisoning, would introduce me to another of his former classmates they were crazy mother fuckers. all of them. 'now this guy, this guy, here, was a crazy mother fucker, right here'. all. night. long. until we got home. at four am. now, this wouldn't be all that bad. but we had to leave at seven am. so we could make it back home. for asshole one's first ever birthday party that he was invited to. that sunday. and there was no way we were missing it. so, after staying up until four am, with all of the crazy mother fuckers, i had to pack everything. including the car. while the crazy mother fucker-er lay in bed. until the very. last. second. and i thought the trip over was bad. i'm just glad these things only happen once every twenty years.

here's your sign

you might be a redneck engineer if... this gem was found at a mcdonald's. in kokomo indiana.

check that

it's not a one time incident. i hope my husband gets home. sooner rather than later. i'm sure glad he enjoyed that flyers game. and i was so looked forward to this morning. it's a preschool morning. don't you know.

since you've been gone

monday morning my husband left for a business trip. by eleven o'clock in the morning thing two had gotten a dvd stuck in the dvd player. sometimes i just don't have it in me for one more argument. so i let her put the dvd in. and spent the next half an hour removing the player's cover. and getting it unstuck. but she didn't need to know it was fixed. by one o'clock in the afternoon there was a small flood. in the downstairs bathroom. now, i can't scold either one of them. they were washing their hands. after going to the bathroom. however, when i went downstairs because they had to 'show me something' i had no idea. their step stool was up to the sink. and there was a half a bowl of water. because they put the stopper down. the other half was on the counter. and puddled in the drawers. beneath the sink. after i soaked up all the water i called the plumber. to fix the broken seal. it's a vessel bowl. guess who's getting a new sink? later that evening we have tantrum 2,925. tuesday morning i wake from a restful night. surprisingly. it's going to be a great day. until the children woke up. the tantrums and hitting are all. day. long. thank god for my good neighbors. mr. good neighbor is going to watch the evil spawn while mrs. good neighbor and i are going for a walk. i then learn that there were burglars in the neighborhood early that morning. great. when we get home from walking i get the kids to bed. i finally fall asleep. out of pure exhaustion. listening to every. single. noise. like the furnace burglar. and heat duct burglar. and sump pump burglar. and then making sure that all outside lights are on. including several in the house. so it's now three-thirty in the morning. i hear something out in the living room. it's not the furnace burglar. or the heat duct burglar. or even the sump pump burglar. i freak out at first. because, you know. it's the burglar. i hear tinkering. i wake up a little bit more. get brave. and stand up to peer out my door. i thought i would find the burglar. or thing one. at the very least. instead i see just a book. seemingly in the air. turning the pages all by itself. upon further investigation, it's thing two. laying down sideways in the chair. i can now hear her whisper reading a book. over my rapidly beating heart attack. i stand there for a few minutes. watching her. until i catch her eye. i was ready. to unleash my first tirade of the very early day.

thing two [looking over at me with her sweet little face]: 'mom, i went poop. it's all over my hand.'
me: 'what?!'

so, i take her in the bathroom. only to find she had already been in there. because 4,936 clean wipes were already in the toilet.

thing two: 'i wiped my hands already.'

oh, really? whatever. so, much to my surprise, she had this very smelly pull-up to which she told me was waiting for me to get up. so she could change it. well, that was thoughtful. i really hope this is a one time incident. because that would just make my day. and it's only three hours into a new one.

here's your sign

just in case

you can find me on facebook too. in case you were that bored.

http://www.facebook.com/?ref=home#!/pages/Ten-miles-South-of-common-sense/131675526886412?sk=info

recycle reuse regift

if you know me, you know i like to repurpose. be it a butter churn handle i picked up at an antique show and use for a toilet paper holder. or an old, beaten up ladder i use for a magazine rack. so when it comes to re-gifting i'm all for it. i've done it. i'm sure i've been a recipient [you know who you are, mom]. so, we're stuck down here ten miles south of common sense with nothing to do most days. we buy maps. still can't figure out where to go. or how to get there. a few months ago i happened upon a page on facebook. three hundred sixty-five things to do in michiana. i couldn't imagine there being that many but i thought it sounded like a great page. each day features a local business. and a link. recently, the page started giveaways. the one day i happened to catch the giveaway. they wanted to know what business was featured on a certain day. i scrolled down as fast as i could and found it. sweet. five guys and fries. we tried to go there once. it's at the mall. i'll have to tell you about that later. it's a long story. anyway, i was the first person to respond. i won us a twenty-five dollar gift certificate. i have the gift certificate mailed to my husband at work. you can never be too safe these days. even though the guy that runs the page is a realtor. my husband came home with the prize on friday. i took it. flipped it over and read the following on the back of the gift card sleeve: to: barry from: mom and dad. i. almost. peed. my. pants. i'm sure he would be mortified. i'll just be thankful for a free lunch.

mind your manners

thing one had his four year checkup today. i told him a few days ago he would have to go. because if he didn't he wouldn't be able to go to preschool. and he really wants to go to preschool. bad. so he agreed. but only if it was a little checkup. i am pretty sure after he thought about it he realized he would have to get a shot. or two. and if it was only a little checkup, in his mind, that would not include a shot. so, i agreed it would be a little checkup. and said nothing further. he was fine on the way to the doctor's office this morning. until we got in the examing room. and then i could tell he was getting a little nervous. just staring at the table with the white paper. we all know what happens on the table with the white paper. he got through the height and weight thing just fine. then the nurse practioner came in to do his thing. he was really good with thing one. thing one did everything he asked. except for when it was time to get up on the table. with the white paper. it wasn't shot time. but thing one was very apprehensive at this point. after he was checked from head to toe there was a look of relief on his face when thing one was told he could get off of the table. with the white paper. without getting a shot. i got him dressed only because i didn't want him to figure out the shots were coming next. and freak out. so, after a few minutes, in come the shots. and thing one got back on the table. with the white paper. with no problem. since his last experience on the table with the white paper wasn't so bad afterall. he laid down. i was holding his hands. and one of the nurse's assistants had his feet. thing one picked out his own bandaids. instructing the nurse which color to place on which leg. yellow on the left. orange on the right. life was good. until the first shot went in. legs kicking. thing one screaming. lifting his head checking the entire time to make sure the nurse followed his instructions and got the correct color bandaid on the correct leg. then the second shot went in. through all the kicking. and screaming. and crying. will looked up at the nurse and says: thank you!