i've been told

we are all back to ten miles south of common sense. while at gran and grumpa's my son developed a stye in his eye. this morning it looked like it was less red. and swollen. that one was for you, mr. wilson. anyway, i asked will how his eye was doing today. good he says. i asked him if it was sore. he said with irritation in his voice no, momma. and then again. unprompted. a little louder. with a little more irritation in his voice said no, mother. i just don't know where he gets this stuff but i find it is difficult for me not to laugh. right. out. loud.

ticket to ride

i don't mean to get all andy rooney on you people but you ever wonder why airlines now board passengers starting from the front seats back? i mean, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure this out. or does it? if you call the passengers in the front part of the plane first it creates a bottleneck. there are people in the aisle trying to stuff bags they should have checked in the first place into the overhead bins. people are taking off their coats. standing in the aisle. for whatever reason. and then you have all of the people seated in the back of the plane waiting in the way too hot, or too cold, terminal gate. well, that's enough to get one irritated. namely, me. so, seat first class, old people and little kids first. and then start with the back of the plane. i just solved why ninety-five percent of all flights don't take off on time. you're welcome.

bye, bye birdy

before we left for arizona a robin decided to start building a nest on our front porch. we knocked it down. she built again. we knocked it down. again. she built it back. again. after we returned we thought for sure there would be a nest again on our front porch. with eggs. nope. she now decided to build her nest on top of our flood light outside of the back porch. we knocked it down. she built. again. we knocked it down. again. she built it back. again. since we no longer even want the house in the first place i wonder if she can get approved for a thirty year mortgage.

five days and counting...loudly

something unexpected happened while we were in arizona. before we left we were in contact with every wire hair rescue group in michigan. illinois. indiana. and ohio. yes. there are that many. because from a suggestion of a friend of a friend someone would have room for him. and i could easily drive him to any of these states. it would be way easier than driving him to the pound. twenty minutes away. we found him a foster home. just outside of chicago. he will wait there until his forever home is found. i have to tell you he seems to be a different dog. a week without kids was like a dream for him. last night he did not bark. once. the neighbors that watched him said he didn't fight with their dog. and he didn't bark at their house either. she offered to drive him to the pound before we left. and before we knew we had a foster home. because she wasn't attached to him. when i walked over to her house last night to pay her and her kids for their services she told me he was such a good dog. so good she wasn't going to be able to take him to the pound now. good thing buster bob found a new home and there is now room for sully at the foster home. i will be driving him to his foster home this saturday. it will be difficult. but it is better for him. and safer for our family. the foster mom said she is not surprised with his behavior. they all bark. and bark. and bark and bark and bark. some of them are good with children and others just aren't. and some seem to have a switch. before kids come along they are fine and after kids, is well, a whole new ballgame. she suggested sully may see our kids as competition. since they came after the dog. therefore, protecting himself and the things he sees belonging to him. it made us feel a little better. knowing we didn't raise a little rat bastard dog.

i once was lost

this morning we had to get up at 3:45 am to make a 5:40 am flight home. although we had packed the night before i suddenly remembered i hadn't seen our car key. for our car at the indianapolis airport. we checked everywhere. we couldn't find it. when my husband travels he normally puts his personal car keys in his laptop bag. since i was there he gave them back to me. to put in my purse. i put them in my coat pocket. i never do that. and i will never do it again. because i couldn't find them. so, i call my mom. because we don't have one of our cars. we have hers. because she took our kids back to midland with her in our van for the week. and our other car decided to stop working the morning we were leaving and it was at the shop. after we landed in denver my mom called with a locksmith number that has 24/7 service. we called. they could apparently make a key while we wait. right there at the car. it would cost less than renting a car and having to drive back to indianapolis with a spare key. barely. he told me the technician would call me when he was on his way. and he would be there at 3:30 pm. well, this was just working out too perfect. because when we landed i turned my phone on and just then it rang. locksmith guy asked me a few questions and said the technician would be out shortly. and he would call me before he got to the airport. the next phone call i received was locksmith lady. now the technician can't get out there so soon. it will be another two hours. she said i may want to call another locksmith. because i have an indianapolis phone book in my purse. i explained my situation further but all i got was the you are going to have to wait two hours. if that were me on the other end i would have opened up a phone book and provided some additional numbers. it's called customer service. so, we got our bags from the baggage claim. thankfully, not cut in front of at this airport. and i opened my bag one more time. to check my coat pockets. and there was the key. i must have missed it in the wee hours of the morning. at least we know that if you lose your keys a said locksmith can make you a new one. while you wait. even at the airport. but you have to wait. and wait. we got the call from the technician. finally. at seven o'clock. while we were pulling out of the bank. in edwardsburg. michigan. in our own car.

you say tomato

while we were out in arizona we rented a garmin navigation system. they are quite helpful. except when she isn't quite up to the same speed and you miss a turn. and then while cussing her out your husband misses the turn. again. because he can't hear her over his cussing. i found it odd that he even chose the girl voice in the first place. he never listens to me. so why would he listen to her? our last day was spent checking out hotels for our next trip. we are returning at the end of june. with the kids. so great gram will be able to meet them. and provide an entire month's worth of blog material. if it doesn't kill me. on our way to our second hotel pick the garmin lady, aka dumb bitch, told us to turn left. in point two miles. at la conyahda. well, we didn't know how to spell that street. so we didn't have a visual. and neither one of us can see street signs anyway. because we both need glasses. and don't make time to get them. so, we come up to the street we are supposed to turn on. it reads la canada. we immediately bust out laughing. it's la canada, alright. who puts a tilde on canada anyway, eh?

pie in the sky

today was our last day to spend with gram before we left town. now the last you heard about gram, my husband's gramma, was that she made the best pies in the land. and i didn't put enough love in mine. so, we set out to show me exactly how much love to put in these pies. we started from scratch. with the crust. now, gram puts the amount of water in by touch. well, it had been awhile since she made a pie. we had water on the floor, flour in our hair and a dough that didn't look quite right. and i know you are wondering about the love. the love is the butter flavor crisco. it's not a level cup. it's a heaping cup of love. gram said we were making half-assed pies. yes. it surprised us too. but boy did we laugh. and laugh. and laugh. we laughed so hard we cried. and snorted. they may not have been pretty but we baked those pies. we made one pecan. and one lemon. the lemon didn't have any meringue. gram dropped one egg on the floor. and my husband broke the yolk of the other. and we, of course, only had two eggs in the fridge. the pies were actually good. and the crust, to our surprise, was nice and flaky. just like us.

fire in the hole

so, after we managed to get our luggage, which unknowingly provided excellent blog fodder, it was off to the hotel in the kick ass dodge charger that i was hoping to rent. it could use a v8 but it is still one. sweet. ride. anyway, as i stepped into our hotel room i thought i was walking into a haworth brochure. extraordinary. second to none. down comforters. four feather pillows. for each bed. embroidered pillow cases. furniture piece vanity. benches at the ends of each bed. flat screen tv. free wireless. a separate room within the bathroom for the throne. kohler. a shower head that could drench the entire country of kenya. in two seconds. flat. i know they don't make hotel furniture but i half expected jackie daniels to come walking through the door with a sharpie and anegre wood swatches. i mentally started to touch up scratches on the wood. and erase cords from the lamps. electrical outlets. sprinkler heads. i heard bubba telling me we had 57 rounds of color. it was due next friday. and phil groaning as background music. i have been retired for almost two years. but it all came rushing back in the one quick moment it took for me to walk over the threshold.

way down in kokomo

that's where i don't want to go. the beach boys were certainly not signing about kokomo, indiana. as i drove through it again, this time with my husband, on the way to the indianapolis airport even he didn't like it. so, it's not just me. and the smell. we think they must make ass there. funny i didn't notice it the first time i drove through. probably because i was busy cursing the 6,492 traffic lights through town. that are all timed to turn to red as soon as you approach them.

excess baggage

as we made our way to the baggage claim tonight i had no intention of it making the blog. but what i saw was amusing. like bees to a hive. so, we are standing there right next to the carousel. like first in line. i backed up so my husband could just hand the two bags back to me when they came out. in the mean time, two older gents cut right in front of him. and just stood there. their bags weren't even out yet. so, as their bags did come out they were taking up the space between my husband and i with their new found luggage right in our designated area. of course, ours came out right after. with no place to set them. then while that mess was getting straightened out the lady to the right of my husband swooped in and took his spot. practically stepping on him. people, the carousel is a circle. your bags will come around again. and again. and again.

hair do(n't)

i didn't think i would have to bring this up so soon but now is the time. we have to fly to arizona tomorrow. and i hate flying. so much so that before i left for vegas a couple of weeks ago i left strict instructions with my husband. if i shall perish i want to be cremated. and then i laughed. out loud. because if i die in a plane crash i will already be cremated. and then i want a party. not right after. let a few months pass when things settle down. because let's face it. no one likes a funeral. and don't get me started on that music. i would like all eighties, please. and my ashes need to be spread from the top of kapiti island. in new zealand. north island. so, whoever wants to go i will pay for two tickets. you will have to stay at the te nikau forest retreat. because it's heaven on earth. and the entire reason behind the cremation is my hair. yes, my hair. you see no one on the face of this earth can do my hair the right way. except me. after a shower it has to be wrapped in a towel for just the right amount of time. if you unwrap it too soon it's weighted down. if you unwrap it too late it's frizzy. and then there is the mousse. handfuls of mousse. evenly distributed. bottom. top. sides. middle. handfuls. and then there are the hours of air drying. and hand scrunching. i may not wear make up and i am certainly no fashion plate. but i can't have a good day with bad hair.

doggone it

before you get all excited the little rat bastard is still breathing. barely. it's quite comical actually. we tried to kill him several times. one weekend we couldn't get an appointment. another weekend a vet had an opening but they wanted to see if there was something else they could do for us. besides kill him. so we gave up for a little bit. it seems whenever he does something that infuriates us he is on the hit list again. one of these days i am going to strangle him with my own two hands. it was almost today. my husband took our son to the car wash and to get mcdonald's. it was a treat he rarely gets but we are leaving for out of town. so it was a special treat. well, my husband nearly got in a five car accident on the way to the car wash. our son was a holy terror in the car wash. and after they made it home i set our son's lunch on the table while i added cheese to the burger in the microwave. ironic they call them happy meals. because none of us were happy. and we really weren't happy when we discovered the little rat bastard stole the top hamburger bun from will's hamburger. my husband, still a tad worked up from the entire trip, gently tossed the dog out the door. the dog didn't miss a beat. of course. he finished the bun out in the yard and came back up to the door like it was just another day. so we made the decision that we are taking him to the pound. again. before we leave town. oh, but wait. the humane society of st. joseph county in indiana won't take an animal unless it lives in their county. fair enough. but the closest humane society to us is in benton harbor. forty-five minutes away. i guess dogs have nine lives too.

green, green grass of home

well, what do you know the lawn guy i scheduled actually showed up yesterday. and they did an awesome job. they even trimmed a branch out of a tree. while standing on a running lawn mower. with a chain saw. above their heads.

sure thing

my son's new catch phrase is sure. not one. not two. but three. if you ask him a question and the answer is yes he answers sure. sure, sure.

saved the best for last

i had a bit of a rough start on my way to vegas a few weeks ago. as i was driving south on 131 i didn't realize i would see signs for logansport. yes. that logansport. and i didn't see just one sign. there were two. apparently, you can get there from any direction. i guess they are trying to make it appear as if you are really missing something. and then there was kokomo. my dad told me i would hit traffic by the time i got there. sure did. it's not hard to do. when there are only four lanes of traffic. in the entire town. and the town is ninety-three miles long. strangest thing i have ever seen. all of this while the radio station cut into the farm report between air supply and alice cooper. no kidding. they actually read it over the air. winter beans. fall hogs. summer beans. young hogs. however, it did redeem itself. forty-five miles into kokomo i found a diamond in the rough. donatos. this is a chain pizza joint if you hadn't heard of them. and although i don't prefer chains, of any kind of restaurant, their pizza is outstanding. it's so thin yet it fills you up in two pieces. anyway, i got to indy and we made it to vegas without the plane going down. which was a bonus. more on that at a later time. my friend and i are like two peas in a pod. twins separated at birth. with different mothers. and different dads. we had great weather. awesome food. a day at the spa. followed by a pedicure the next day. and we took in the show love. good times. so good we are planning on going again. next year.

uncle

yesterday afternoon i was rinsing off a dish in the sink and off came the faucet handle. right in my hand. in the split second it took for me to realize the hose part dropped under the sink with the water still running i shut the water off. but not in time to stop a flood under the sink. and there was so much water it dripped down the pipe to downstairs. of course this came during the daily goat rodeo. the feeding frenzy at four in the afternoon. so, as i am flinging hazardous materials out from under the sink and mopping up water at the same time i have two little helpers by my side. and this after our builder informs us that it is common knowledge that cement has to be sealed. funny he didn't mention that when i asked him about sealing the stone on the front of the house. and the marble that was used on the bench seat by the back door. he must be effing kidding. i called him right after the flood. i told him what happened and i wanted the plumber here the next morning. all he had to say was that it was weird. all i wanted to say was it's par for the course. all i can take away from this is experience. and how i won't do things next time. as for now, my husband is out of town for three days this week. the builder lucked out. we are so upset and frustrated we feel like just selling this house. and moving into an apartment. i have half a notion to erect a large sign in our front yard advertising his skills. or lack there of.

kick start

this morning i was jolted out of bed. apparently, my husband was dreaming. about playing soccer. and he used my foot. as the soccer ball.

all in due time

if you recall we moved to ten miles south of common sense last fall. you know, when leaves come off of the trees. and lay on the ground. and get in the eaves. being busy with the move and unpacking we thought we would hire the fall cleanup out. i made several calls. either they didn't return my phone call. or they came out to give me an estimate and never bothered to show up. and then the snow came. early. and it just left. this weekend we purchased three newpapers to find a lawn guy. three. for what now is spring cleanup. one from edwardsburg. one from south bend. and one from elkhart. out of those newspapers i came up with only a handful of places to call. i was hesitant to call. anyone. but i did. i call lawn guy. he is in the area today. miracle of all miracles. so he says he has to call me back in a few minutes. few to me is three. and a minute is made up of sixty seconds. so a few minutes wouldn't seem so long. however, an hour and a half later lawn guy calls back. i am thinking this is going to go just as smooth as the guy i scheduled six months ago that hasn't bothered to show up. yet. but new lawn guy acutally showed up. gave me an estimate. and he is scheduled for this thursday. he said he is even going to call before he shows up. i just hope this doesn't turn into another fall cleanup.

here comes peter cottontail

we celebrated easter today. although it was more like christmas. with all of the gifts. and it's not the easter bunny at our house. it's the easter rabbit.

and i still haven't found what i'm looking for

yesterday was my husband's birthday. we decided to go out for lunch as he had the day off work for the holiday. we wanted to try a new-to-us restaurant we had heard about. in elkhart. indiana. by the redneck wal-marts. after lunch we decided to see what elkhart was all about. afterall, it has been in the news recently after the rv industry tanked. the president even made a stop there a few months ago and promised jobs to the area. well, the president wasted his time. and our tax paying money. we drove around for three hours. three hours. and all we found was ghetto. it's been said the streets of sante fe, new mexico were laid out by a drunken sailor riding a mule backward. but that's okay. it's sante fe. new mexico. and even if there were no streets there it is one of the coolest places to visit. but this was elkhart. indiana. you see, almost all of their streets are cr and then a number. however, the even numbered cr's don't run in one direction and the odd numbered cr's don't run in the opposite direction. that would make it way too easy. they all run together like one big traffic circle. for a minute i thought we were back in wellington, new zealand caught up in the biggest roundabout on planet earth. at least they had nice scenery. we would see a sign for a park. we would follow the signs to said park and there was nothing there. nothing. another cost saving tip. if there isn't a park don't have a sign made. which brings me to my final money saving tip. downtown they have signs for their public parking. they are carved out of wood. and painted. there is an elk on them which makes sense. i guess. more so than the heart that is carved out behind it. cute. but there is no second e in elkhart to make it a heart. unless they are trying to say they love elkhart which would be totally absurd. so, in a town of million dollar homes that line the st. joseph river and the rest is just well, ghetto, i say don't even bother.

i'm back

in the saddle. again. like it or not.