what she said

so last night i was at kohl's. got a thirty percent off. oh yeah. anyway, i was in the bath section. looking for those metal caddies you put over your showerhead. and a lady and her husband were next to me. i wasn't paying attention to their conversation until the lady said this:

'well, we don't have hard water in our bathroom. do we?'

i stopped dead in my tracks. as the crickets sounded. i'm pretty sure if you have hard water somewhere in your house the entire house would have hard water. here's your stupid ticket. have a nice day.

this year's christmas song

to which my husband's ninety-three year old gramma said, and i quote, 'got your lovely little ditty! you are something else. is that all you do is sit around and make up those wise sayings? ha!' yes i do. and in case you missed the song...

a few of the ‘burg’s eventful things
[sing to the tune of a few of my favorite things. you know you all have an inner maria. begging to get out.]

new bitchy neighbors with a huge barking dog
when she craps in our yard – it’s big as a log
gunshots at daybreak and freight trains again
this is what happened in two thousand ten

thirteen yards of dirt with eight tons of rock
complete with a six foot tall fence that can block
backyard finished to enjoy once again
this is what happened in two thousand ten

sophie has turned two and will is turning four
we went to lambeau but lions still can’t score
flew out to tucson for a long weekend
this is what happened in two thousand ten

potty training
is in full swing
and I’m feeling glad

we still cannot believe we really moved here
thank god we can still get beer

[repeat all]

brought to you by

this entry is brought to you by the letters w. and t. and f. as in what. the. and fuck. yesterday morning i went to throw something in the kitchen garbage. but i couldn't. because this is what i found. a full can. only because for the 3,792,636th time i have found an empty box. not broken down. in the garbage. yesterday was a bonus. there were two.

plowed

as you recall, the county plow [and i use that term loosely] knocked our mailbox off the post about a minute and a half after we moved in two years ago. the mailbox that cost seventy dollars. and that almost got me divorced. last week before it snowed my husband placed orange marker sticks on the edge of the road. and in front of the mailbox. so what was left of it wouldn't get hit. again. a few days after he placed the sticks it snowed. and the plow came down our street. now, this driver either runs into your house or is seven feet from the edge of the road. on any give day. and it varies as he travels down the street. after the first run i looked out and notice he hit an orange marker. just the first one. it lay broken. in a pile of snow. later in the day, i went to run errands. upon my return i noticed that plowed guy ran up into the lawn of the house on our corner. about ten feet. not once. not twice. but three times. in three different places. and after that he ran into one of our good neighbor's yards three feet in before then running over our first orange marker. i'm not sure why it's so difficult to operate this tractor with a plow. i mean, look at how straight a farmer can plow a field. maybe he just needs a bigger tractor. or hire a farmer. in the off season.

quote of the day

upon receiving a birthday card and gift certificate to toys r us from will's aunt, uncle and cousins will placed all of his scooby doo stickers that came with his card. on himself. and then asked:

'can we go to toys are on us now?'

happy four years old

he has been asking what time it is all. day. long. he is waiting until exactly 8:01 pm. to officially turn four.

quote of the day

earlier this summer my husband and i were invited to a retirement party in grand rapids. for a former coworker at the parent company of my husband's current plant. it was at the chop house. which was outstanding. after our fifty-seven course meal we were all mingling out in the sitting area outside of our dining room. my husband's previous boss approached him and was asking how we were settling in. my husband replied with a general, yet positive, response. not to seem ungrateful for the promotion. to which his previous boss replied:

'yeah, michigan is kind of funny. you know, there's detroit. and then there's grand rapids. with a whole lotta alabama in between.'

and the crowd went wild. as did we.

time will tell

a few weeks ago will woke up. came running into our room. and shouted 'good morniiiiiiiiiiiiiing!' which would have been fine. if it hadn't been two-thirty. in the morning. after shuffling him back to bed we decided he needed a clock in his room. and we now instruct him not to get out of bed in the morning until the first number is a seven. perfect. fast forward to this past sunday. the kids went down for a nap. we have a difficult time with the kids taking naps when it's a daddy day. so, before will went down his dad told him not to come out of this room until there was a four. a three. and a zero on the clock. as in four-thirty. shortly after will had gone in his room for a nap. and my husband and i were just comfortably settled in watching football. when we heard will's door open. i looked down at the time on my computer. yep. sure enough. there was a four. a three. and a zero alright. but in the order of four minutes after three. we couldn't hardly argue with that.

here's your sign

yep. you're a redneck if your street gets plowed by a john deere tractor.

hystorical

after our wonderful dining experience at foul ball we were sitting at the table waiting for the kids to finish their icecream. i had laid a five dollar bill on the table. for the tip. much to my dismay. anyway, as i laid the money on the table sophie asked what the ticket was for. i told her it was money. and that it was a tip for service. even though it sucked. she asked who the guy was. i told her abe lincoln.

will [gasping]: a blinkin'! can we go look at christmas lights tonight?!

all aboard

saturday night we took the kids to the amtrak train station lighting. in niles. when i first learned my husband got a new job in niles i told everyone where we were moving. a handful knew where it was. the others i just told them it was between the 'e' and 't' in ghetto. the train station is a great building. and the parking lot is safe. however, we did not get a parking spot in the parking lot. nope. we had to park where the sidewalk ends. literally. between the 'e' and 't'. so, awhile back i was searching on craigslist and there was an ad for a santa. he will come to your house. now, the picture in the ad was fabulous. and i thought, yeah right. he probably shows up at your house with no pants on. so, we get to the lighting ceremony and much to our surprise there was santa. the santa from craigslist. he was a great santa. and he had pants on. he spent a lot of time with our kids. he had some great stories. and we are thinking of having him come to our house next year. my parents did that for my sister and i. once. my dad set this whole thing up for one of his buddies to come visit in a santa suit. after all of that planning, santa walked in the door and we greeted him with 'hi, shrock.' epic fail. anyway, we had a really great night. until dinner. now, i love a good diner. and we love to go to family owned restaurants. but this particular establishment could well top the truck stop in logansport. almost. it's called home plate. in niles. actually it's in the taint. the stretch of road between niles and south bend. that we don't know really what it is. anyway, we walk in and let's just say the cream of the crop are all present and accounted for. i think campbell's should name their next soup after them. the second i walk in i just felt like i needed a shower. i thought the food must be out of this world. not so much. when we finally got to order. and it finally got to our table. half way through our meal one of the servers dropped an entire platter of prepared food on his way to a table. what happened next will go down in the record books. one guy starts to clap. and then another. and another. and yet another. the only people that weren't clapping were us, of course. and the table behind us who were also of sound mind. my husband's back was toward most of the oddities. i just sat there in disbelief. there was the lady that was picking her teeth. with her straw. and then drank out of it. there was circus freaks table. complete with son or daughter with a mullet. along with meth mom. and creepy aids grampa. who had a strong resemblance to paul benedict. from the jeffersons. with aids. and mad max uncle rounding out the table. that had enough barbs and wires in his head to pass for a fence. and then there was the hightop table. just one. there was a couple sitting in it. and the half wall came to just right below this person's nose that was facing me. i glanced over several times during the meal. admiring her hair. it was silver. with waves. and after the prostitute was seated next to us with a purple velour jumpsuit the couple from the high table got up to pay their bill. much to my surprise it wasn't a woman at all. it was a dude. perhaps they should change the name to foul ball. or swing and a miss.

stuck on you

i believe it was the trip to wal-marts after the dude with the extra wide mirrors invaded my parking space that i stopped going to wal-marts for my weekly shopping trip all together. because the week after, i decided to go to ghetto wal-marts versus the redneck wal-marts. and it wasn't any better. especially after i picked up a bag of grapes to purchase. and there was someone's used band-aid hanging from the bottom of the bag. that was it. back to meijer. i am thrifty after all. i had forgotten about the band-aid incident. until i took a shower on friday. there in the shower next to my sesame seed oil it laid. a used band-aid. from my husband, apparently. i guess if he ever loses his job i know where he can get a new one.