the very effed up vacation

[adapted from eric carle's the very hungry caterpillar]

one day, a few years ago [really], a friend had asked us if we wanted to join them with two other couples on an eleven day land and cruise tour of alaska. we said we might be dead by then. but what the hell. it will take us that long to pay for it anyway. we booked an extra day on the beginning and the end too. little did we know. we were to leave the wednesday after memorial day.

on the friday before we were to leave, while at our son's last day at preschool, our camera decided not to work. it gave us an error message. this was the camera that was only four months old. that took over one year to decide to buy. because it was so freaking expensive. we figured one might need a nice camera while touring alaska. you know, one that actually works. and that you don't say, 'fucking piece of shit' after each time you hit the take a picture button. instead of saying 'cheese'.

the next day was saturday and the toilet in the kids' bathroom backed up. and we couldn't dislodge whatever may be down the drain. and the shower drain then began to gurgle. so, the husband calls a plumber. on a saturday. of memorial day weekend. this oughta be cheap. however, we did fix the camera following the manufacturer's suggestion by taking the battery out and putting it back in. voila. or so we thought. anyway, you know those flushable wipes? they may be flushable. but your pipes don't like them. the plumber snaked the line and got that cleared. never to use them again. because you know i had just purchased two new boxes of them at the store three days prior. while he was here, he snakes the bathtub drain too. i appreciate that. he found a glob of thing two hair and one of those sponges that make a shape when you dissolve the capsule. all for fifty bucks. i would have paid him triple. but he doesn't need to know.

on sunday, i woke to a sonic boom. inside our house. if i had a direct line to the pentagon i would have told them to hit the button. the button. it rattled the kitchen. and no one heard it. but me. of course. i then noticed by the time the sprinkler system had gotten to the backyard that it was only at half power. it wasn't getting any pressure. did i mention it was memorial day weekend? and that we were leaving for two weeks?

on monday, my parents took the things with them back to their house. after another sonic boom. inside our house. that nobody heard. again. and then the clicking began. click, click, click. every. time. we. turned. on. the. water. did i mention it was memorial day weekend? and when my mom gets back to her house she has to take thing two into urgent care. for an ear infection.

on tuesday, i took my mom's car that she left, while she took our van, on a few errands. the husband called two plumbers. whichever one got here first would fix the click, click, clicking. that was slowly driving us insane. on the way home from my errands i applied the brakes to my mom's car as i had done 3,592 times previously that morning and thought the car was going to fall apart. i have never heard such racket. i thought maybe i was exaggerating. but i wasn't. it did the same thing the next time i stopped. i thought it might be wet brakes but it hadn't rained in thirty-six days. as i was getting home, the plumber showed up. he was here for twenty-seven seconds. long enough to tell us it was the well. and since the beginning of january there is a new law that says plumbers cannot touch well problems. and well people cannot touch plumber problems. great. now, we call well guy. well guy is busy and can't possibly get to us until the end of the week. but we're leaving on vacation. for two weeks. the well guy says its a plumbing issue. the plumber says its a well issue. so, we call neighbor guy. he's an ac guy. but he may know something we don't. he doesn't. but his wife's niece's husband is a plumber. he'll see if he is available. it is getting to be close to the end of the day when i go and open the refrigerator. the deli drawer is stuck. on something. rewind about a month ago. i noticed waterfalls of ice cascading down the inside of the freezer door for several weeks. like so much i really had to yank on the freezer door to get it open. i blamed the kids. duh. i just thought they were sloppy pouring their water from the door. nope. the reason why i was having a difficult time with getting the drawer to slide out was due to an inch of ice that had developed in the bottom of the refrigerator. huh. now i know where all the water came from in the freezer. so, we chiseled out the inch thick ice out of the bottom of the refrigerator. and sopped up about a half a gallon of water and called the appliance guy. he says i have a clogged drain. i'm not sure how that happens but they'll have repair guy out thursday afternoon. did i mention we were leaving for two weeks the next morning?

on wednesday, we throw 2,392 pounds of luggage in the car for a three hour drive to the airport. you might as well jab an ice pick in my ear. not much more fun than a three hour ride in a subaru forrester. until you start to cough. and your chest is getting congested. by the time we got on our flight to anchorage in minneapolis i couldn't hear. during the flight i had three hours of chills. followed by three hours of sweating. i really would have liked to have heard the bus driver's narration to the hotel from the airport but that's right. i can't hear. after we got settled, we met everyone downstairs in the hotel to eat. and we learned that one of the couples we were traveling with didn't have their luggage. and you know we were related. it was the husband's brother and wife. and thing two has to go back to urgent care. because the medicine they gave her wasn't working.

on thursday, we make an appointment for me to see a doctor. while we wait, we go sight seeing. with the husband's brother and wife. we go to take a picture. but can't. because we have a camera error. so, the husband's brother goes to take a picture on his camera. won't turn on. well, then. best buy anyone? so we hail a cab. we go to best buy. by the grace of god they have our same camera in stock. and are able to exchange it. the husband's brother buys a new camera. and we're off to jcp to buy them some clothes. and a suitcase. all for the bargain cab fare of $51.50. at my doctor's appointment, he gives me amoxicillin.  but there are no pharmacies in downtown anchorage. so, the $8.49 prescription was an additional $30.50 cab fare. and the refrigerator? the drain wasn't plugged. the refrigerator wasn't level. really. it has been almost four years since we moved to this god forsaken place. and the same people that we bought it from installed it. and repaired it. check please.

on friday, i woke up with hives. because i forgot. i am allergic to amoxicillin. i found out early. enter well guy. he called. and woke us up. at four am. he was four hours ahead of us. he decided he'd come and take a look at our well. but it wouldn't be available until monday. and then monday turned into tuesday. but i am getting ahead of myself. i think we went to talkeetna on this day. when we got to mckinley. the town that the tv show northern exposure was based around. and we visited iditarod guy. and his eighty dogs.

on saturday, i honest to god have no idea what happened. i think we hopped a bus to denali. we went fly fishing the evening. sunglasses at ten at night. awesome.

on sunday, the husband tried to get some cash. but couldn't. because our card was denied. called the bank. they asked if we were in saudi arabia. nope. but our card sure was. they said they'd issue us a new one. we all went for an atv tour.

on monday, well guy calls. and says he got too busy. he'll be able to fix it tuesday. i asked another neighbor if they could take my mom's car to the local mechanic so it would be fixed when we got home. we got on a train ride. to whittier. a nine hour long train ride. it was gorgeous. even if you still can't hear. and your head weighs 539 pounds.

on tuesday, well guy says we need a new bladder. $550. and our neighbor says local mechanic won't touch my mom's car. because it has a cracked motor mount. but i can certainly drive it back to my mom's house when we get back. nope. nearest dealership. that's it. hubbard glacier today.

on wednesday, we were at sea. i still can't hear. i still have hives. but i keep taking my medicine because they say to always finish it. glacier bay today. saw some small calving. and a dick [en]burg.

on thursday, we were in skagway. the husband and his brother went to zipline. the brother's wife and i went on a jet boat tour to an eagle preserve. it. was. freezing. and no one would sit next to us on the boat ride home. because we were both coughing. i wouldn't have either.

on friday, i turned forty. and it was our eleventh wedding anniversary. i had planned a surprise excursion for the husband. as you may know, while on our honeymoon to new zealand, we boarded a death trap helicopter piloted by none other than a fourteen year old. and we were sure to die. i don't even like a 747. so, that was the last thing he thought i would ever do. again. but i booked a helicopter tour to mendenhall glacier. we woke to pouring rain. i still couldn't hear. we made it off the boat, went to a gift shop to buy thirty dollars worth of umbrellas, gloves and cold medicine [like it was going to help], took off all the price tags, we were ready to go. until i went up to the tour guide. and found out it was canceled. really. so, we figure we better go to an urgent care to take care of this ebola i had contracted. we asked a cab driver. he said the nearest one is in anchorage. and they fly you there. i already knew how much the cab fare was to best buy. there ain't no way. so, we hit the ship's infirmary. a half an hour later, i was diagnosed with influenza, got a zpack, tamaflu, cough medicine and quarenteened. to my room. for twenty-four hours. the haz mat team was to come to our room twice a day. to wipe down surfaces. and take away any dishes or laundry. in red, plastic bio-hazard bags. at this point, our medical bills [and cab fare] were more than we had spent on excursions. happy anni-birth-ary to me.

on saturday, i felt better. but we booked an excursion on the aleutian ballad which was a retired crab boat from one of our favorite shows deadliest catch. the husband had since tested positive for influenza and his gig wasn't up until that afternoon. so we sadly missed that excursion too. that night i was able to celebrate my birthday. i even had a drink. and my crazy, generous beyond belief travel companions told me they covered my spa treatment that next day.

on sunday, i enjoyed a seaweed detox wrap and an hour massage. thank you crazy, generous beyond belief travel companions. hey, maybe they did that so they wouldn't have to listen to me cough for two hours...

on monday, we got off the boat. i needed dramamine. for land. that night in vancouver, we dined at the very table acdc and neil young had eaten. at yew. that's what they told us anyway. a few of our companions ran into john cleese in the hotel elevator.

on tuesday, we flew home. i don't think i've ever been so happy to come home to the burg. ever.

on wednesday, i took my mom's car to the dealership. and did laundry. they tell me it is not the motor mount. it has to do with some piston. and it will take twenty hours to tear it down. remember the compromised bank card? i found out today they got us for $1,767.53. well, thank god they caught it so quick. asshats. and the new card they said they'd send? never sent it.

on thursday, i did laundry.

on friday, i finished the laundry. and drove to grand rapids. in the subaru forrester. for two hours. the ice pick was nowhere to be found. unfortunately.

on saturday, we picked up the kids. we also picked up our new dog. for sixteen hours. a breeder was retiring one of their bitches. awesome. get a dog. without the puppy part. or so we thought. we had paid to have her fixed back in march. she was to be fixed after her last litter. we picked the dog up. and she was the most jack-less russell terrier i have ever seen. because they had just gotten her fixed. oh, and here's some anitbiotics to give her. long story short, she had been bleeding internally. we brought her back. and said thanks but no thanks. they must work at the bank.

So, end of story, we had to rent a car while my mom's was being fixed the next week. The laundry really is done now. And we are not leaving this house again. ever. except for when i had to go and get put on a third antibiotic...on monday.