i know i am old when...

...i now think tom selleck is h-o-t. hot.

quote of the day

"we gots to go to big lots. they ain't got shit here."

spoken by a woman today. apparently, quite upset. i probably don't have to tell you she was talking to her five year old son. and i need not mention it was at wal-marts. this was right after i saw a woman make a barnyard turn with her cart nearly hitting mine. oblivious to anyone else in the store. i think her biggest concern at that moment was losing her cell phone she was talking on. in her cleavage. she was wearing a tank top. and shouldn't have been. with pajama bottoms and flip flops. yes, it is still winter here. in case you were wondering.

third times a charm

i really have nothing to say today. except i will be going to the doctor. again. tomorrow. after nine days on medication for my bronchitis i found out i am allergic. i don't know why it took nine days to find out. i was only suppposed to be on the medicine for ten days. on my second trip to the doctor they gave me some new medicine. for my hives. hives like i have never seen before. the medicine for my hives is worse than the hives themselves. i can hardly move my legs. let alone stand on them. i guess it worked in a way. i wish i had back the bronchitis instead.

it's all in a name

this morning i found out that the walrus has a name. dennis. and that dennis has a blanket. the color of the blanket is orngens. the walrus, i mean dennis, also has braces. can't wait to get the bill from that orthodontist.

enough is enough

maybe it's the state of the economy. maybe it's because people are out of jobs. maybe it's because some people are getting bailed out. while others have to continue to struggle because they pay their bills. maybe it's because i am still sick. after two months and counting. and now have hives. maybe it's because our mcdonald's can't produce a filet-o-fish now for over a month and half due to a broken broiler. whatever it is i am extremely agitated these days. and then i see on the news today that sarah palin had to pay back airfare for trips taken by her children during her campaign. well isn't that something. i am not a feminist. far from it. i am fair. what would happen if every governor were forced to pay back the personal things they pilfered from taxpayers? well, i think i just solved how we are going to get out of this crisis called our national debt.

seconds

the walrus wanted mussels for dinner tonight.

i am the walrus

there is a walrus in our backyard. according to will. it's been there for over a week now. yesterday the walrus wanted macaroni and cheese to eat. when he first showed up here he wanted mouses to eat. i am not sure why the walrus picked our backyard. there are plenty of backyards to choose from in our neighborhood. i just hope the eggman isn't next.

the count stands

i can't believe i haven't seen another mullet yet on wal-mullet sundays. i suppose if i went later on sunday there would be dozens. but i refuse to adjust my schedule. i did see, however, a family with three kids today. two of them were boys. with mohawks. now, the one mohawk even had a rat tail. and i think that would have qualified for 1 1/2 mohawks. at least in my book. if i were counting mohawks. but i'm not. yet. i checked out today in a pile of kitty litter. the cashier didn't even seem to care. i wonder where they get these people. their help wanted ad must read something about must look hungover and if you look strung out on crack cocaine even better. ability to scowl your entire eight hour shift. smell like cigarette smoke a plus. pay is higher if you can read the national enquire, smack gum and wear fake finger nails all at the same time while scanning groceries. yes. i have witnessed this all. if you were wondering. i can understand that it is not the most glamorous of jobs. but just because they are miserable doesn't mean they need to make me miserable. plus, in these times at least they are able to have a job. on second thought, maybe that is why they are so agitated. they don't want the job. at least it gives me something to anticipate on sundays. it makes me think. i wonder when the day will come when i find the blog about some lady in a red coat. with curly brown hair. always in a pigtail. that shops at wal-marts. every sunday.

oh, no i didn't

oh, yes i did. and here is the proof. see, i just can't make this stuff up. this jalopy, i mean sign, is located just outside vandalia. i don't even know where to begin with this one. first of all, a+ for the repurposing of an old truck. anyone that knows me knows i am a sucker for old rusty trucks with big fenders. after all, rust is my favorite color. the sign suggests they have rocks to offer. however, the apostrophe s leaves one wondering. maybe their last name is rock and they are showing possession. but the only thing i see possession of here b the rocks in their head.

sigh-ned. sealed. delivered. it's theirs.

today we closed on our house in grand rapids. we went back to civilization today to pick up the few remaining items at the house. sign the papers. and meet the new owners. i expected the worst. but got the best. great weather. quiet kids. big. fat. check. not as big and fat as we would have liked. but a check none the less. the new owners were quite young. and appreciative of all of the hard work we did for them. and money we spent. we can't thank our realtor enough. as i told you before she is the bomb. i would recommend her to anyone. just ask. as for the new owners i am sure they are still talking about the anal retentive seller that had a two page list of special instructions for her house. let's just say it was a little hard to let go. i am going to miss her.

sleeping beauties

i am not sure how i got to be so lucky. my son sleeps at least twelve hours a night. pretty much ever since he started sleeping through the night at a few months old. on his first birthday he slept for nineteen hours. it is his record to date. people told me the next one will be different. there is no way you can have two children that will sleep that well. enter our daughter. she is no different. she sleeps even longer. about fourteen hours a night. on average. to date yesterday was her record. she slept for seventeen hours. she went down for a 'nap' at 3:30 tuesday afternoon. and didn't wake up until 8:30 the next morning. and i know what you are asking yourself. diapers. rarely do i have spillage. rarely. thankfully. and i use store brand. always have. i understand they must wake up during the night at some point. but i never hear one peep loud enough to wake me up. speaking of which. if i slept for as long as it took to make up for all of the sleep i have missed in the last twenty-six months i wonder how long i would sleep.

sign of the times

yeah. we aren't sure either. could be a brothel. could be an alcoholic rehab center. time will tell.

deja nothing new

seven hundred and some odd billion dollars. again. i can't even count that high. but the jobs are coming. just over 100,000 jobs are promised to be coming to southern michigan and northern indiana alone. what jobs? where? how? the rv plants are just going to suddenly open back up their doors? and all of the stimulated banks will loan money to people without jobs. to buy 100,000 dollar rvs? and married couples get a tax credit next year for eight hundred dollars. are they effing kidding me?

sock it to me

i did laundry last week. not surprising. i do laundry at least twice a week. but last week was different. i had a match for each sock. yes. each sock. i haven't had a match for every sock in over seven years. i don't know where they go. out of pure frustration i even tried buying the same kind of socks. in the same color. don't bother. that doesn't work either. the stars must have been aligned. nostradamus must have predicted that day was the day that hell was to freeze over. it was nothing short of a miracle. i mean it's one thing to have a few plain white socks not have a mate. you can use those to dust. ok, you can put them aside with the intention of using them for dusting. but now add little girl socks into the mix. this alone launches you into an entirely new dimension. throw in white socks with patches of flowers or rainbows. just when you think you have a match you really don't. you can't have one flower and one rainbow. even though they are sewn on the same kind of white sock. there are pink stripes. multiple stripes. pink socks with bows. those same pink socks with no bows. talk about not being able to sleep at night. and to make matters worse all of that time one takes to find the matches after several weeks of laundry have passed in hopes the match will show up is wasted. because the socks show absolutely no appreciation for all of your efforts. the socks don't. even. stay. on. her. feet.

ooh for two

yeah, it's wal-mullets sunday. but for the second week in a row i missed it. i had to go to the doctor instead. i finally gave in. after almost eight weeks of varying symptoms. it was bad. i have bronchitis. i have never had it. and i don't want it. again. ever. i have been in bed all. day. long. and it aches for me to type. but i have people. at least i like to think i do. so i must. after i got home from the doctor my husband took will on the weekly grocery shopping trip. it's always funny with my husband. he gets everything on the list. but when he goes he buys two of everything. if i ask for toilet paper watch out. it's the 48 double roll pack. yes. two of them. it doesn't matter what it is. it's two of everything. gallon of milk. two. case of coke. two. industrial sized box of pizza rolls. two. i try to explain to him that no one needs 180 pizza rolls in their freezer at one time. i noticed this trend quite some time ago. but it's not just with groceries. it was at his mom's funeral when i first caught wind of it. all of these girls were making their way in to pay their respect. in twos. it was actually quite comical after awhile. a much needed relief as i started to count. by two. i find out later they were all of his ex-girlfriends. so tomorrow as i try to recover from bronchitis and handling the goat rodeo of two. solo. i will be making room in the pantry. from noah's trip to the grocery store.

just in case you didn't know

if my husband ever went to jared's. i. would. kick. his. ass.

and the beat goes on

this morning will was looking for his hockey mooshe shirt. i avoided the red wings jersey request all together by talking about his race car. that, in itself, was a miracle. he asked for his hockey mooshe shirt. to which i replied, for the 4,295th time in 36 seconds, was dirty. alas, i spied his regular mooshe shirt. i told him this one would work. i know they are just plain moose. but they are on their way to the hockey store. to buy hockey equipment. what a save...until tomorrow.

closing arguments

i have learned over the last few weeks that it's not worth it to argue with a two year old. he wanted to wear his red wings jersey every day for eight days. in a row. no problem. or so i thought. he has two. i could easily alternate between the two and wash one while he was wearing the other one. don't ever plan when you have a two year old. for anything. of course, he had his eye on one fry. and one fry only. no, i want to wear that one. and that one only. at least i could get a clean unnershurt on him each day. he insists on picking out his own clothes. army green pants with a yellow, blue and white striped shirt. the same army green pants the very next day with a red hockey mooshe shirt. and then there is breakfast. he wants waffles. with dipping sauce. aka syrup. not only for breakfast but for lunch. and, you guessed it, dinner. for going on over a week now. this morning he insisted on getting the dipping sauce out of the reserve bottle. not the one that was open. that took me at least five minutes to explain. and there is a new activity in the mix. tv. i don't usually let him watch tv. never during the day. but olivia the pig has a new cartoon. he loves olivia. and when it is 9:30 in the morning and he wants to watch olivia the pig he doesn't understand that every time you turn on the tv olivia isn't on. it's on at a certain time. not. right. now. i figure i should pick my battles. because at this rate there is going to be a big one. one actually worth arguing over. we work our way through it. one day at a time. and i thought boys were supposed to be easier. can't wait for sophie to start talking. and picking out her own clothes.

migraine

with excedrin and a bottle of booze written all over it. thanks for tuning in. see you next time.

now hear this

our carpenter is in town. again. i think our garage will be done this week. wishfully thinking. as you know, my dad cannot hear. and wears hearing aids. but not when he wakes up. this morning i am eating breakfast in my bedroom. waiting for the kids to wake up. i hear my dad yell for me. i run out into the living room. he then goes to ask, scratch that, yell for a towel. as i make my way to the towels he then tells, scratch that, yells to me about the full moon he can still see. he then asks if he takes a shower will that wake the kids up. i said no. but i am thinking what does wake the kids up is his yelling. because he doesn't have his hearing aids in his ears. and the simple activity of him taking a shower does not wake the kids up. it's when he drops his soap in the shower and feels the need to yell holy ba-jesus, god damner, god damner. my wife ran off with my carpenter's hammer. no, i don't have any idea what the means. except that is what wakes up the kids.

ladies and gentlemen

i introduce to you big red. sweet jesus. would you take a look at those white walls. this is a picture of her on her maiden voyage. to kentucky. that's me and my sister. and my dad. in his uniform. he wore one everyday. in varying colors. the recipe was a pair of sans-a-belt pants. button down arnold palmer cardigan. knit short sleeve shirt with collar. and wing tips. when i say every day. i mean every. day. one time we went to hawaii. he wore everything i just mentioned. except the sweater. to the beach. he still wears the sans-a-belt pants. the knit short sleeve shirt with collar. every. day. but he has since traded in his wing tips for velcro sandals. with black socks.

wal-mullets sunday

well this is a buzz kill. the count remains at 3 1/2. instead of my weekly sunday trip to redneck wal-marts i had to go to ghetto wal-marts friday night. all things happen for a reason. i saw a woman sporting some abominable snowman boots. there was so much fur. she couldn't even walk with her legs together. or pick up her feet for that matter. i also found yet another product i didn't know existed. while in the beer aisle, i looked up to see none other than pretzels. not uncommon. but these weren't your ordinary pretzels. i read the package once. and then again. it read extra dark pretzels. yes, extra dark. i think what they mean is burned. leave it to the slow economy for this delicacy. just because a batch was left in the oven too long doesn't mean you should package them up. and sell them. kudos to their marketing firm. for an effort well done, if you will. i only know one person who would eat these. my uncle.

expect the unexpected

today was just what i needed. my dear friend mr. wilson came to town. with her sister. and her sister's friend. it was a miracle they even made it. i told them to go east on 60. not west. and they did. for about twelve miles. then i told them lunker's was having their fishing extravaganza this weekend. they weren't. it's next month. i did manage to have lunch ready. after lunch, will stole all of their jewelry. he also played with mr. wilson's glasses. he thought he broke them. but they were the kind that have a magnet on the nose bridge. even though there was no extravaganza and they drove 24 miles round trip out of their way we still had a great time ogling over bait. gear. and clothes, anyway. it's like a cabela's. only on a single store level. and it has a live alligator. and chicken livers were on the menu. the last thing we expected to see were dolls. in a lewd act. we passed this display once. it was a display for camoflauge clothing. or something. apparently, someone was having a little fun. we passed it the second time. and their position had changed. again. i bet if i went back tomorrow i would find them in yet another compromising position. of course, we had to keep going back. because we are just that kind of people.

tainted

tonight i had to get out of the house. i have been couped up in the house for a week. sick. and i needed out. no matter where i go it involves a drive. and during the drive tonight i realized i am having an identity crisis. we truly live in the middle of nowhere. taint michigan. and taint indiana. i know our mailing address is michigan but it sure doesn't feel like we belong. anywhere. everything is lumped together. into a much despised word. michiana. i have come to a conclusion. we live in geographical pergatory.

big wheels keep on turning

i am on week five now of seemingly never ending crud. it appears to be a different sympton each week. this week is the fact that i can't hear. out of either ear. i am not in a hurry to get to the doctor. because it doesn't hurt. and i feel pretty good. and i now know how frustrating it must be for my dad not to be able to hear. he has hearing aids. in both ears. but they don't work. he has never been able to get them properly adjusted. i am sure it is maddening. about as maddening as taking a road trip with three deaf people. to go see yet another deaf person. you see, this temporary hearing loss of mine brings back a memory. i am not sure of the circumstance but back in junior high i drove with my dad, my gramma (his mom) and my great aunt (my gramma's sister) to my uncle's (my dad's brother) house in kenosha, wisconsin. yes, we took big red. i think it was spring break. so, we showed up in wisconsin just in time for the fourth of july fireworks. anyway, my dad drove and i was in the front passenger seat. my gramma and my great aunt were in the back seat. i remember there was still a little snow on the ground as my gramma made comments about the beautiful fields. my dad and i just looked at each other like she was completely nuts. the next thing i know we are filling up with gas just north of chicago. i am surprised that we didn't run out of gas. my dad is famous for that trick. i had my eye on that gas gauge like a hawk. believe me. especially when i started to see signs for the loop. as we all got out of the pool, as my dad likes to say, we were stretching our legs and then it happened. my great aunt let out this belch like no other. my dad has burped the alphabet and yabba dabba doo, among other things, ever since i can remember. and i had learned to accept it. i just didn't know where he got it from. now i know. and the thing is my gramma and my great aunt had already made it back into the car. so, it was just me standing there. outside of the car. alone. i thought i was going to die. they laughed for miles as we continued to drive down the road. i was still sunk down in my seat. just like in elementary school. until we got to my uncle's house. our visit with my uncle was uneventful. until we went to breakfast one morning. i don't know what it is about humphrey boys and their choice for breaksfast establishments. but it ain't good. i have a few specifically about my dad for a later time. apparently, it's hereditary. i think we drove all the way to minnesota for this hole. my uncle liked it because it was the only place that would burn his food. on purpose. he likes his food burned. and he orders it that way. i guess ketchup will kill the taste of anything. so, we are on our way back to his house in big red after a fine breakfast. well worth the drive from what i can remember. not. i feel the need to lighten the mood. i had this really great joke. so i start to tell it. i can hardly keep from laughing while telling it. it was so funny. so, i get done and i am laughing. hysterically. no one else is laughing. my gramma and great aunt are in the back seat. i look back and they are both looking out the window in opposite directions. didn't hear a word i said. i look over to my uncle. he is looking out his window from the front passenger seat. i look over to my dad who is driving. he is busy messing with his toothpick. oblivious. as i sit sandwiched between my uncle and my dad in the front seat i realize no one, besides me, knew i was even talking. now that was even more funny than the joke i had just told. but i couldn't tell anyone. because they couldn't hear me.

the one and only

it's none other than dually depot. where they do their best for your little truck. as you may recall, this was the number one reason on the top ten list to move to edwardsburg. it's within minutes of our house. i am not sure as they do much dually work as i see they are now offering snow plow services. maybe we can be the first family with a dually minivan.

move over paris hilton

will got a curious george stuffed animal for christmas this year from his cousins. claire and grace. he didn't pay much attention to it. until today. will put george down for a nap. in his crib. with his sister's sleeper. ate lunch with him. carried him around. everywhere. his new bff. he even had him participate in his magnetic silly faces game at the kitchen table. after awhile, will became quite upset with george. he didn't seem to be playing along. will told george all about each of the pieces. he told him all about the eyebulbs and mowfs. even showed him where they all go. will said come on, george, come on! but george still wouldn't participate no matter how hard he tried. later in the afternoon will sat down with some animal crackers for a snack. i think george and i were the only ones that found that ironic.

goat rodeo

yesterday. all my troubles seemed so far away. i don't know where to start. i thought we were going to have a good day yesterday. the sun was shining. it was warm enough to walk out in the garage without dressing like ralphy going to school. life was good. until i turned on our computer. toast. tried to reinstall. nope. nothing. nada. zilch. a swing and a miss. juuuust a bit outside. on to wal-marts for the weekly freak show. i did discover a new weekly blog topic yesterday so it wasn't all bad at wal-marts. or so i thought. then i get home and my husband decides to go and get a paper to see what kind of computers are on sale this week. because it is my only link to the outside world. and i was not going to be without one. not. for. another. minute. mind you, we are not that close to a store. of any kind. in any direction. he comes back in about fifteen minutes all huffy because he forgot his wallet. so, back to the store. except he didn't go to the orginal store. he went to a party store that was supposedly closer. when he walked in they didn't have any papers. he asked. the helpful lady without a tooth in her head and undoubtedly sporting a mullet says they are out in the bin. in the parking lot. say it together now. all you gotta do is loook. my husband stormed out only after asking if it came with a banjo. i guess we won't be going back to that store. returning to the original store where he forgot his wallet it at he was able to buy a paper. without quarters. meanwhile, i discover that the strawberries i paid for at wal-marts are not in my possession. cue circus music. we did end the day on a positive note. my friend harper, from high school, was back in the area and we had a nice visit. yes, another long story. neither one of us are from here. we have only lived here. at separate times. will surely explain this story problem in a future post. then it was right back to normal. cue circus music. again.

three and a half and counting

out of pure necessity, i have added a new weekly feature to the blog. it will be posted every sunday. it's called how many mullets can i count each week at wal-marts? why, just today alone i counted 3 1/2. why the half? because i caught a glimpse of a woman that had a mullet unlike i have ever seen the likes of before. and it earned the well deserved extra fraction. it was short all the way around but still had the party in the back underneath the short part. i am sure she was a legend. in her own mind.