what she said

so last night i was at kohl's. got a thirty percent off. oh yeah. anyway, i was in the bath section. looking for those metal caddies you put over your showerhead. and a lady and her husband were next to me. i wasn't paying attention to their conversation until the lady said this:

'well, we don't have hard water in our bathroom. do we?'

i stopped dead in my tracks. as the crickets sounded. i'm pretty sure if you have hard water somewhere in your house the entire house would have hard water. here's your stupid ticket. have a nice day.

this year's christmas song

to which my husband's ninety-three year old gramma said, and i quote, 'got your lovely little ditty! you are something else. is that all you do is sit around and make up those wise sayings? ha!' yes i do. and in case you missed the song...

a few of the ‘burg’s eventful things
[sing to the tune of a few of my favorite things. you know you all have an inner maria. begging to get out.]

new bitchy neighbors with a huge barking dog
when she craps in our yard – it’s big as a log
gunshots at daybreak and freight trains again
this is what happened in two thousand ten

thirteen yards of dirt with eight tons of rock
complete with a six foot tall fence that can block
backyard finished to enjoy once again
this is what happened in two thousand ten

sophie has turned two and will is turning four
we went to lambeau but lions still can’t score
flew out to tucson for a long weekend
this is what happened in two thousand ten

potty training
is in full swing
and I’m feeling glad

we still cannot believe we really moved here
thank god we can still get beer

[repeat all]

brought to you by

this entry is brought to you by the letters w. and t. and f. as in what. the. and fuck. yesterday morning i went to throw something in the kitchen garbage. but i couldn't. because this is what i found. a full can. only because for the 3,792,636th time i have found an empty box. not broken down. in the garbage. yesterday was a bonus. there were two.

plowed

as you recall, the county plow [and i use that term loosely] knocked our mailbox off the post about a minute and a half after we moved in two years ago. the mailbox that cost seventy dollars. and that almost got me divorced. last week before it snowed my husband placed orange marker sticks on the edge of the road. and in front of the mailbox. so what was left of it wouldn't get hit. again. a few days after he placed the sticks it snowed. and the plow came down our street. now, this driver either runs into your house or is seven feet from the edge of the road. on any give day. and it varies as he travels down the street. after the first run i looked out and notice he hit an orange marker. just the first one. it lay broken. in a pile of snow. later in the day, i went to run errands. upon my return i noticed that plowed guy ran up into the lawn of the house on our corner. about ten feet. not once. not twice. but three times. in three different places. and after that he ran into one of our good neighbor's yards three feet in before then running over our first orange marker. i'm not sure why it's so difficult to operate this tractor with a plow. i mean, look at how straight a farmer can plow a field. maybe he just needs a bigger tractor. or hire a farmer. in the off season.

quote of the day

upon receiving a birthday card and gift certificate to toys r us from will's aunt, uncle and cousins will placed all of his scooby doo stickers that came with his card. on himself. and then asked:

'can we go to toys are on us now?'

happy four years old

he has been asking what time it is all. day. long. he is waiting until exactly 8:01 pm. to officially turn four.

quote of the day

earlier this summer my husband and i were invited to a retirement party in grand rapids. for a former coworker at the parent company of my husband's current plant. it was at the chop house. which was outstanding. after our fifty-seven course meal we were all mingling out in the sitting area outside of our dining room. my husband's previous boss approached him and was asking how we were settling in. my husband replied with a general, yet positive, response. not to seem ungrateful for the promotion. to which his previous boss replied:

'yeah, michigan is kind of funny. you know, there's detroit. and then there's grand rapids. with a whole lotta alabama in between.'

and the crowd went wild. as did we.

time will tell

a few weeks ago will woke up. came running into our room. and shouted 'good morniiiiiiiiiiiiiing!' which would have been fine. if it hadn't been two-thirty. in the morning. after shuffling him back to bed we decided he needed a clock in his room. and we now instruct him not to get out of bed in the morning until the first number is a seven. perfect. fast forward to this past sunday. the kids went down for a nap. we have a difficult time with the kids taking naps when it's a daddy day. so, before will went down his dad told him not to come out of this room until there was a four. a three. and a zero on the clock. as in four-thirty. shortly after will had gone in his room for a nap. and my husband and i were just comfortably settled in watching football. when we heard will's door open. i looked down at the time on my computer. yep. sure enough. there was a four. a three. and a zero alright. but in the order of four minutes after three. we couldn't hardly argue with that.

here's your sign

yep. you're a redneck if your street gets plowed by a john deere tractor.

hystorical

after our wonderful dining experience at foul ball we were sitting at the table waiting for the kids to finish their icecream. i had laid a five dollar bill on the table. for the tip. much to my dismay. anyway, as i laid the money on the table sophie asked what the ticket was for. i told her it was money. and that it was a tip for service. even though it sucked. she asked who the guy was. i told her abe lincoln.

will [gasping]: a blinkin'! can we go look at christmas lights tonight?!

all aboard

saturday night we took the kids to the amtrak train station lighting. in niles. when i first learned my husband got a new job in niles i told everyone where we were moving. a handful knew where it was. the others i just told them it was between the 'e' and 't' in ghetto. the train station is a great building. and the parking lot is safe. however, we did not get a parking spot in the parking lot. nope. we had to park where the sidewalk ends. literally. between the 'e' and 't'. so, awhile back i was searching on craigslist and there was an ad for a santa. he will come to your house. now, the picture in the ad was fabulous. and i thought, yeah right. he probably shows up at your house with no pants on. so, we get to the lighting ceremony and much to our surprise there was santa. the santa from craigslist. he was a great santa. and he had pants on. he spent a lot of time with our kids. he had some great stories. and we are thinking of having him come to our house next year. my parents did that for my sister and i. once. my dad set this whole thing up for one of his buddies to come visit in a santa suit. after all of that planning, santa walked in the door and we greeted him with 'hi, shrock.' epic fail. anyway, we had a really great night. until dinner. now, i love a good diner. and we love to go to family owned restaurants. but this particular establishment could well top the truck stop in logansport. almost. it's called home plate. in niles. actually it's in the taint. the stretch of road between niles and south bend. that we don't know really what it is. anyway, we walk in and let's just say the cream of the crop are all present and accounted for. i think campbell's should name their next soup after them. the second i walk in i just felt like i needed a shower. i thought the food must be out of this world. not so much. when we finally got to order. and it finally got to our table. half way through our meal one of the servers dropped an entire platter of prepared food on his way to a table. what happened next will go down in the record books. one guy starts to clap. and then another. and another. and yet another. the only people that weren't clapping were us, of course. and the table behind us who were also of sound mind. my husband's back was toward most of the oddities. i just sat there in disbelief. there was the lady that was picking her teeth. with her straw. and then drank out of it. there was circus freaks table. complete with son or daughter with a mullet. along with meth mom. and creepy aids grampa. who had a strong resemblance to paul benedict. from the jeffersons. with aids. and mad max uncle rounding out the table. that had enough barbs and wires in his head to pass for a fence. and then there was the hightop table. just one. there was a couple sitting in it. and the half wall came to just right below this person's nose that was facing me. i glanced over several times during the meal. admiring her hair. it was silver. with waves. and after the prostitute was seated next to us with a purple velour jumpsuit the couple from the high table got up to pay their bill. much to my surprise it wasn't a woman at all. it was a dude. perhaps they should change the name to foul ball. or swing and a miss.

stuck on you

i believe it was the trip to wal-marts after the dude with the extra wide mirrors invaded my parking space that i stopped going to wal-marts for my weekly shopping trip all together. because the week after, i decided to go to ghetto wal-marts versus the redneck wal-marts. and it wasn't any better. especially after i picked up a bag of grapes to purchase. and there was someone's used band-aid hanging from the bottom of the bag. that was it. back to meijer. i am thrifty after all. i had forgotten about the band-aid incident. until i took a shower on friday. there in the shower next to my sesame seed oil it laid. a used band-aid. from my husband, apparently. i guess if he ever loses his job i know where he can get a new one.

slip of the tongue

back when i was younger i couldn't keep a secret. now that i'm older, well, i still have a difficult time. now, i am not talking things that are said in confidence. i am talking presents. gifts. things you buy that you are so excited about. you just can hardly contain yourself. back in my babysitting days a family that I sat for had two young children at the time. the older of the two was just able to talk. so, one day her mom had gone to the local art fair. and purchased a gift for her husband. when she got home she showed it to me. it was a beautiful wooden cutting board. and when her little girl asked her what it was the mom told her it was a hockey puck. brilliant. that must have been over twenty years ago. and i am thinking my mom could have used that line with me. a few times. i can't remember how old i was but my mom had orchestrated this grand scheme, back in the day, to get hbo hooked up at our house for one of my dad's christmas presents without my dad knowing anything about it. i am pretty sure she had to take some time off work. a couple of times. for the thing to finally get hooked up. you know, the tan box. with the black slide buttons on top. with no remote. seriously. so, christmas eve finally arrives with much anticipation. we are all opening gifts. one person at a time. it's my dad's turn. he opens up a box. it's a sweater. and out of my mouth comes, 'oh. i thought it was hbo.' nope. not that box. i really did think it was hbo. and i really did think my mom was going to kill me. and you can bet every year after that when someone opens a box the phrase 'i thought it was hbo' comes out. at some point. every. single. year. after. now, fast forward thirty some years. my mom's birthday is in september. earlier in the summer i had bought my mom a hose reel basket that she had admired at a local store for her birthday. i had it sitting on top of the freezer in the garage to keep it out of the way. one weekend my mom had come down to visit. one night we were all getting in the car to go for ice cream. as we all loaded in my son yells, 'look, gran! your present!' i immediately asked will if he remembered that the gift was supposed to be for gran's birthday. next month. without hesitation will yells, 'surprise!' and i thought it was hbo.

heaven sent

earlier this week the good neighbor and i, along with the kids, drove to grand rapids. to do some goodwill shopping. they have the best goodwill stores. unbelievably good. not just the stuff in the stores. but the stores themselves. they are like department stores. all of their clothes are sorted by size. each kind of clothing is marked the same price. and i have only found a few items that have had a stain. or have been ripped. and i have been going there for years. and they don't even staple a price tag in their beautifully donated clothing either. imagine that. anyway, we had gone to one goodwill, had eaten lunch at real food cafe and then we were off to another goodwill. while we were there will was in my cart and sophie was in the good neighbor's cart. as i rounded the corner in the housewares aisle there was an older lady reaching for a cookie jar that was a snowman next to a christmas tree. will's eyes lit up in delight as she pulled the top off of the christmas tree part. we exchanged pleasantries with the lady. i said to will that it looked like the cookie jar found a nice new home as she placed the cookie jar into her cart. will had agreed that yes it had. so, we continued to look around the store. we checked out each others treasures. took sophie to the bathroom. three times. and as the good neighbor and i met up again i noticed an employee standing next to my cart. i apologized. as i thought i was in her way. she had, in her hands, a wrapped item in a tied goodwill bag. she told me there was no need to apologize. i wasn't in her way. she was there to give me this bag. a customer [the older lady] told her she saw the light in my son's eyes when she took the lid off of this cookie jar. she bought it. and wanted him to have it. and disappeared. without a trace.

in the dark

will woke up one morning this week. and he was annoyed. as i was sitting on the couch, he came bursting out of his room. looked at me and said, 'will you turn that light off?! i am trying to sleep! i am waiting for the sun to come up.' i wouldn't have found this so amusing if he didn't sleep with his overhead light on. all. night. long.

an open letter

dear hellmann's:

if people eat real mayonnaise i highly doubt they give two shakes that you use cage free eggs in your product. but thanks for noting it on your label. i'm just saying.

thanks

trick and treat

epic fail

anatomy one, oh, one

so both children are in potty training mode. full time. and it's going very well. thank. god. except will thinks that just because he pooped on the potty once it's good enough. and continues to wait until nap time. when he has a training pant on. that cost about ninety-seven dollars apiece. to take a crap. anyway, usually both go into the bathroom at the same time and wait for one another. and, at times, strike up a little conversation. this particular day i wished i had the video camera.

will [sitting on the potty exercising the muscle that makes his penis go up and down. it's a new trick he learned at that very moment. and he thinks it's hilarious. and the more he laughs the more his penis is going up and down.]: look it!

sophie [now with her face down in the potty. about two inches from will's penis. and laughing.]: what are you doing?!

will [still laughing. hysterically. as his penis keeps bouncing all over]: look it!

this goes on for several minutes. and then sophie decides to blow on will's penis. which makes them laugh even more. and causes me to just about pee my pants.

then, out of the blue, sophie looks down at herself: where's my penis?

me: you don't have one. you have a vagina.

will: yeah, soph, you have a vagina.

sophie [looking down again]: oh. my penis musta fallen off. i just have two bahginas.

hands on

i must say that lately i have been thinking we should have named our son johnson. so i can tell him to stop playing with himself. seriously.

we're not worthy

[1] so excited to get the chance to go to a game in green bay. even if it was against the lions. [2] the lions suck so bad their fans want hockey players on the team. they don't even care if they're retired. anything has to be better. [3] i wish we had taken photos of all of the packer mobiles. they were priceless. all of them. [4] drum line. they. were. awesome. [5] i also wish we could have taken a photo of all of the crazy attire we saw this day. i hadn't ever seen a cheesehead bra. autographed by one mark chmura. like there was any doubt. [6] view from our awesome free seats. [7] this guy sat right in front of us. the economy is bad. but there isn't anything duct tape can't fix. red green would be proud. [7] they almost got us. it would have been our luck to travel to green bay. and get beat by the lions. even if they had, the experience was all worth it.

everybody loves a polka [dot]

gran bought us some different colored pumpkins so we could make polka dot pumpkins this year. the great polka dot pumpkin had a secret to share. and apparently, will had one for him too.

pick a peck

we went to pick apples with our neighbor friday afternoon this week. the kids had a blast filling our buckets. ida reds and mutsu apples filled our tummies for weeks to come.

harvest time

we had a visit from uncle dave and aunt shirley from ohi-ya in september. we visited a new pumpkin farm this year. will and sophie were treated to one small pumpkin each. as you can see they had a hard time deciding on just which two they would take home. aunt shirley won the backyard 500. and earned the nickname hot rod shirley. even stopped at wakarusa dime store for some world's largest jelly beans.

random acts of sophie

they are not ones of kindness. however, they are one of a kind. sophie has been trouble from the word go. as easy as manners and politeness come for will they are equally that difficult for sophie. she doesn't ask for things. she demands them. and when asked to say please she even demands that. she can sit on your lap and cuddle. and you would think she is the sweetest thing. until she sticks her finger in your eye. and laughs. i'm not sure where she comes from. so, every once in a while i will post about her random acts. like earlier this week. i had taken the kids to the park in niles. we decided it would be a great idea to pick up dad and take him to lunch. as we were eating, my husband reached over and pulled a french fry from sophie's plate. sophie immediately gave her dad the stink eye. threw her hand up on the table and started to scoop her food across her plate away from the side of the table her dad was sitting on. and that was that.

ex-squeeze-me

this is one of the last times i went to wal-marts. i picked this parking spot because there wasn't anyone parked around for a few spaces. all around this particular spot. when i got back to my car from shopping i find this parked next to me. now, keep in mind all around me are empty spaces. even after i had gone into the store. until this jackwagon pulls in next to me. his truck may be centered in between the lines. but his extra extended side mirror is invading my personal space. next time i'll just park between two cars. thanks.

knock, knock

will has been into knock knock jokes lately. his favorite is the one where you ask 'knock, knock' and say orange twice. and on the third go you say banana. and the punchline is orange you glad i didn't say banana? so, a few days after he had mastered that joke we were playing downstairs. we were in their climber that has a door on it to enter on one of the ends. making a perfect opportunity for a 'knock, knock' joke. as will knocked on the door:


will: knock, knock.

me: who's there?

will: will.

me: will who?

will: will aren't you glad i didn't say sophie?

once was lost

some of you know that we have been in the middle of finishing our basement. for about a year and a half. well, a few weeks ago the carpet was installed. and i can safely say the basement is done. for the most part. except for a few minor details. like fixing the foot long snag in the carpet created by one of our couches that we were moving around not even a week after the carpet was in. so, for about a year and a half most of our things, or as my husband calls it junk, has been shoved, stacked and smooshed into the two hundred square feet that was left as storage. like the 8-in-1 climber that i scored off of craigslist for the kids for a screaming deal. last october. anyway, my husband gets invited to a fishing weekend by one of his vendors at work occassionally. last fall was no different. no big deal. but it was. when the fishing is in canada. and you need your passport. and the passport is in the safe. which is behind five stacked trunks, some barbed wire art, a barn door, bed springs, a broken down heavier than hell plywood table that my mom's friend saved from the junk one day at the mall from victoria's secret and a stage coach box. and he tells me this the night before he is supposed to leave. last weekend was no different. after snagging the carpet i gave up on unloading the storage area. i was still beside myself that it even happened. and i didn't want to even go down there. but i had to. because my husband was invited by his brother to go on a charter fishing trip on lake michigan. he didn't need his passport. but he did need a cooler. so, behind five stacked trunks, some barbed wire art, a barn door, bed springs, a broken down heavier than hell plywood table that my mom's friend saved from the junk one day at the mall from victoria's secret and a stage coach box i find the coolers. this after he has already gone down there. and said they weren't there. and yes. it was the morning that he was to leave that he informed me he needed the coolers. he packed one cooler for his food. and the other was empty for the fish he was going to catch. now we have two blue coolers. because the empty one was left in the middle of our living room floor. and he had to buy one while he was in manistee. for the fish he caught. but i know right where to put the extra cooler. behind five stacked trunks, some barbed wire art, a barn door, bed springs, a broken down heavier than hell plywood table that my mom's friend saved from the junk one day at the mall from victoria's secret and a stage coach box.

just a thought

so my parents were at my house for the last five days. landscaping. i have to say it looks mighty fine. my dad had actually been here for a month. placing rocks. he got a gift certificate to ruth's chris steak house. even though i insist eddie's steak shed is better. even though i have never been to ruth's chris. i just would enjoy an evening in flip flops. over a huge bill. and still have an out of this world piece of beef. but my parents have always wanted to go. so now they can. since they are finally close to one. and it's on me. anyway, i treated my mom to a pedicure for all of her hard work. it was the least i could do. and while i was sitting there next to her with our feet in soaking i was thinking to myself: are there any nail places in asia?

round trip

the carpenter is in town. again. this time moving six tons of landscaping rocks. scratch that. seven tons of landscaping rocks. and thirteen yards of black dirt. after one of the full days of placing the rocks we sat down to dinner. a dinner we had gotten from pizza hut. the order was wrong. but didn't discover it until we got it home. to make a long story short we ordered two orders of pasta which should have came with two orders of breadsticks. we only got one order of breadsticks. it's ok. they weren't very good. anyway, we didn't feel it was worth twenty dollars which prompted this conversation. from my dad. he was saying that when he and my mom order the pasta it was x amount. and here it was not x it was x amount. and when he gets on an icecream kick it's the same way. he gets an icecream cone from the mcdonald's on eastman. when he is just about done with that cone he is almost at the south saginaw road mcdonald's. and gets a cone from the south saginaw road mcdonald's. and when he is just about done with that cone he arrives at the waldo road mcdonald's. where he gets his third and final cone. and when he is just about done with that cone he is right back home. where he started. and every single cone is a different price. yes. you read it correctly. he starts out at home and hits every mcdonald's in town. and his point wasn't that. it was to point out the same cone was a different price at each location. my point is that this proves he has too much time on his hands. and icecream.

engaging conversation

we had some neighbors over last weekend [the ones we like] and one of them brought up how their now son-in-law asked for their daughter's hand in marriage. it made me chuckle because it was funny. and it made me remember this story. when i met my husband before he was my husband i lived in grand rapids. and he lived in midland. i guess i had to move away to find someone in midland. anyway, he had a ring made and before he proposed to me he thought he would take it over to my parents' house and show them. now, my husband's name is jeremy. but everyone calls him jay. one night he called my parents' house. my dad answered. my now husband told him it was jeremy and was explaining to my dad that he had something to show them. and he wanted to know if they would be home. my dad said they would and hung up the phone. after he hung up the phone my dad turned to my mom and said, 'i don't know who the fuck jeremy is but he's coming over.'

this can't be right

after my reunion was over last weekend we ended a great trip with none other than breakfast. at the texan. with good friends. in the middle of my inhaling, of some of the best breakfast food ever, i glanced down at my placemat. you know, the paper kind. with all sorts of advertisements. please take note of the second ad down in the first column. in particular the second line underneath the company name. nevermind the company name at this point [if you can't read it you can click on the image to enlarge]. immediate cremations? like for when you murder someone? what the hell? and it's a society?

here's your sign

so you call yourself a handyman. really?

cracking up

[sounds of firecrackers]

will: dad what was that?

husband: firecrackers.

will: is that like peanutbutter crackers?

part doo

oh yeah. last friday i had someone out to get us a quote on a fence. a six foot fence. just on their side of the yard. while the guy was here the neighbor across from our neighbor walked out in her yard and was staring at the guy taking measurements. i was in the garage at the time painting and looked up just in time to catch her spying. a few hours later my husband, kids, grumpa and myself were out on the patio eating dinner. out of the corner of my eye i see neighbor lady making a beeline for our lot line. with her dog in tow. i glanced. and continued on with my conversation. i believe she was on her way over. to talk to me. until she saw my husband and dad sitting with my at the table. that were blocked by the grill. nothing like feeling like a prisoner in your your own home.

doo [doo] onto others

back in october the house next to us finally sold. after two years on the market. the day the family moved in i walked over and introduced myself to the wife. i knew the second i laid eyes on her that we would not be the best of friends. i could tell by the look on her face. and her body language. and it's okay. some people just don't mesh. i later find out that they have a huge rottweiler. that happened to come over while we were standing there. and it promptly takes a dump in our yard. i should have known right then that this was not going to have a happy ending. i told her it was okay. that we were dog people. however, it was not an invitation to have the dog come and crap in our lawn on many other numerous occasions. not only on the side yard but in the middle of our backyard as well. now, the dog is not on any kind of containment system. no leash. no fence. no nothing. the dog is very aggressive. when we are out in the yard, our yard, it comes out and barks furiously at us. it also charges to the street when people walk past their house. i had a general concern for our children. they assured us that the dog was a big baby. well, you just never know. and that dog could kill in an instant. at this point, i said nothing. the neighbor lady does not make eye contact with me so I could only imagine me going over and talking to her about her dog. the husband is extremely friendly and easy to talk to. he works six days a week. making it difficult to connect. fast forward eight months. we went to arizona for a week over memorial day. we get home to a bright, blue inflatable pool about three feet from our lot line. with no fence. and the ladder left in the pool 24/7. now, i am not a rocket scientist. but that spells disaster for me. i don't leave my kids out unattended. for many reasons. number one big, huge dog. now, number two the pool. i can't believe my eyes that they have this pool up without a fence. not to mention leaving the ladder in the pool. for some kid to crawl up. and fall in. during this time they have also put in a line of arborvitae and some other random shrubbery to keep the dog from going in our yard. news flash. the dog still comes over and takes a dump in our yard. the last time i saw it i was downstairs with the plumber and it came over by the egress window on the side of our house and took a big dump. that was it. i called animal control. and they were out in about an hour. and while i was at it i called the township to see what the ordinance was on a pool. the ladder either has to be a fold up one. or taken out when the pool is not attended. well, the ladder came out after they got the notice but it was still right next to the pool. to me that makes no difference. so, i called the township. about a fence. that we will now be putting up. and the guy proceeds to ask me about our garden shed. we just had one put in a month ago. and per the company that installed it we needed no permit. and we were not aware of any restrictions on how far to place the shed from the lot line. they are all over the place in our subdivision. yes. i should have called to confirm. so the neighbor called the township on our garden shed. that isn't even on her side of our yard. she doesn't get it. i called on her dog. and her pool. because it was a safety issue. not a personal issue. this morning my husband and her husband cleared the air. he said if we have any issues to just talk to him. duh. later, my husband went to the store to get a paper and notices our neighbor lady had driven to another neighbor because my husband had mentioned she was one of the first people to purchase a house in the subdivsion and might know about varies ordinances. i'm sure she will thank him for that later. i called her and told her we owed her a beer for that one. and thank god she wasn't home. i did make a mental note that it is quite ironic that i found moho's neighbor to be great blog fodder. mine. not so much.

here's your sign

i spotted this sign on my way to get groceries last sunday morning. upon returning home from the store i drove back to get this captured on camera. because i know my mom, and anyone else that frequents garage sales, would pee. their. pants. as did i.

speed racer

yesterday was my quarterly trip to grand rapids. to visit the hair god. on the way i came up on this gem. in three rivers. i don't care how many racing stripes you put on your grand marquis. off-centered or not. it's not cool. even if you were a taxi. but you're not. so you don't even have that going for you. on the way back from the hair god i noted another gem. i did not take a photo. because even i think these particular ornaments are offensive. and just plain gross. usually found hanging and swaying freely from the hitch of a jeep, or jacked up truck. the driver no doubt has a mullet. and a gun rack. and a confederate flag license plate. and a piss on [fill in the blank] decal in the back window. it's none other than the plastic set of testicles. bulls balls, i believe, is their official name. and as i understand they are now offered in a lighted version. they light up when you hit the brakes. now, first of all, no one even wants to see a set of balls on a dog. let alone a vehicle. and how does one go about purchasing a set of balls for one's car. i mean, how do you even ask where those would be located in a store. with a straight face. i don't even think they would sell those at wal-marts.

an open letter

dear kellogg's special k chocolatey delight:

will you marry me? i'd appreciate it.

thanks

on a positive note

so. i was thinking. i may have actually found one positive thing living ten miles south of common sense. just one. if there is no courthouse. there is no jury duty. correct?

driving miss crazy, part infinity

i am really not sure i know which part we are on. you haven't heard about moho in a long time. because she had her baby. they should have named the kid dominos. because in true moho fashion she pushed for thirty minutes. got up. packed her bags. and went to florida. for her maternity leave me alone. if the hospital had a maternity drive-thru she would have used it. and the last i heard from her was when she got me looped into helping her with our class reunion. i use the word helping very loosely. the next time moho calls and needs help with something i am pretty sure i will have left the country. forever.

country band

a smuggling. denotes any item which, related to it's nature, is illegal to be possessed. illegal or prohibited traffic in goods. goods or merchandise whose importation, exportation or possession is forbidden. every night before bed we have to check for country band. under will's mattress. seems during the day he hides stuff under there. and after we put him to bed he can't wait to jump back out of bed. and get his stash. drumsticks. cars. straws. i keep telling him i can see with my ears. but when he whips out his contraband and starts to bang it on his bed. he is caught. red handed. so now, before we even start to put his blankets on [all 5] he tells us to check for country band.

here's your sign

this is a sign. at the local dentist's office. here in ten miles south of common sense. i guess rainbow colored teeth wouldn't have been my first choice for a sign. if i were, say, a dentist.

happy two years old

what he said

my dad and i met my husband for lunch yesterday. before my husband got there we were discussing the basement project. and this was part of the conversation:

dad: i was watching hiy the other day.

me: dad, it's diy. or hgtv.

dad: well, whatever. it doesn't matter. i couldn't hear it anyway.

initial response

back in college when i went to ferris state university we were still on quarters. i loved quarters. if you hated a class, which most of them i did, you were done in a few weeks. not fifteen. like when i went to central michigan university. and hated every class i took there even more. anyway, as the first quarter came to a close it was time to register for the next round of classes. being all cool and having one quarter under my belt i perused through the class offerings. and knowing now what i didn't know then i actually looked at the campus map. to make sure i didn't have to beat it from the west building to the business building. in ten minutes. i had everything figured out except for one class. it was to be held in the tba building. well, i had never heard anyone speak of the tba building. wondering where this building was i turned to a campus map. i couldn't find it. i couldn't locate it. it wasn't called out on any legend. out of pure desperation i asked my roommate. she had no idea either. we searched and searched. we had no idea why they would schedule a class in a building that no one knew where it was located. not until our suite mate came in. and told us the tba building was to. be. announced. they should have had a class for that.

a not so fun fact

did you know that one brand new double roll of toilet paper unraveled can fill one third of a standard sized crib? well, now you do.

kneed help

i can't believe i am posting this. i should be on an episode of hoarders instead. i shop the clearance aisles. i buy stuff way ahead of time. for birthdays. christmas. will's sixteenth birthday. whenever. or just because it's on sale. and i can't pass it up. however, it is well organized. and until this weekend was food free. i was gathering the kids' easter presents up. since i will be going out of town soon. and wanted to get it ready. i reached in a bag to retrieve some goodies and there in the bag was this. a busted open container of crescent rolls. must have been in the bag with my bargains. and missed the fridge. can't say i have ever had that happen. until now.