out of the office

see you in a few weeks.

alexander and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day

except my name isn't alexander. but i still had a terrible. horrible. no good. very bad day.

motherhood

a gift. that you can't return. or exchange. or get your money back for a refund.

check please

this morning i ran errands after wal-mart. at kohl's i was standing in line waiting. and waiting. because granny had to write a check. yes. i said write a check. and she was not only writing a check but she had to write the amount in the register. okay. it's one thing to still be writing checks. but to not have duplicate checks. that's just plain absurd. she could have better spent her time talking to me about how cool her hoover floormate was that she was buying. but instead had to waste her time. and mine. and i use the term granny because she wasn't one of those cute old lady help me across the street grannies. she was one of those in between grannies. one that should know better. next was barnes and noble. now all i was expecting to find here was a county by county map of indiana. but what i found was much better. a fifty percent off sale on all items with a white sticker. and since they were moving there were a lot of white stickers. so i get in line with an armload of things. none of which included the map i originally went there for in the first place. and i get behind none other than another check writing lady. the only thing that would have made it better is if she had a mullet.

brown belt, brown belt what do you see?

earlier this week my husband went out of town. for two days. two. long. days. he got back very late thursday night. i had been sleeping nicely in our bed. until he came home. and started snoring. then i was sleeping nicely on the couch. i was even dreaming. i can't remember the last time i had a dream. as i was getting into my new hybrid with suicide doors from playing a softball game in the dark on the beach i opened my eyes to my husband standing in front of me. he was asking me where i put his brown belt. number one i didn't wear his brown belt so i wouldn't know where it is at. and number two so why was he waking me up asking me is what i was thinking. so i get up to help him look for it and he is tired. and in a bad mood. and still can't find his belt. now i am tired. and in a bad mood. and can't find his belt. i told him he would just have to wear his black belt. so when he gets home from work i noticed he had on a brown belt. i asked him if he found it. he said no. he just flipped his black one over to brown. just a thought but why didn't he think of that before he woke me up?

house of cards

when we moved ten miles south of common sense we decided to treat ourselves to new construction. we got a treat alright. i should have gone with my gut. after settling on a price we find out the builder insists that we can't move in until the 72 hours right of refusal is over. the way he acted was like he built the perfect house and it was our privilege to own it. we should have just forfeited our earnest money right then and there at the closing and ran. but we didn't. before we even signed papers i had an issue with our address. no one could find it in their system. because the listing agent put the wrong freaking address in his listing. i must have spent over a week arguing with utility companies trying to figure out why no one could find our address. so, after signing papers instead of spending the first night in our new home that we just gave him a check for we stayed in a hotel. after the 72 hours was up my husband stayed in the home until we moved our belongings two weeks later. with no hot water. in either shower. i can't remember why the plumber took so long for the repair but the cartridges in the shower handles were in backward. in both showers. apparently, he never ran the water after he installed them. genius. onto the appliances. now we scheduled the move two weeks after the papers were signed so we could get the water softener in place, utilities and appliances hooked up. so all we had to do was unpack. when the appliances arrived the dishwasher didn't fit. there was an outlet on the side of the cabinet that did not allow for the dishwasher to slide back far enough into the cabinet. it finally got fixed. well after thanksgiving. after four tries. four. plus, when they originally ran the water line it wasn't tight. so, water had been dripping from a pipe for months before we even moved in causing the floor of the cabinet to become bubbled from sitting water. the stove. i hope it never breaks. they literally had to squeeze the sides to get it to fit in it's space. and when they got it back as far as they could they couldn't push it back to the wall because the outlet was above the cord recess in the back of the stove. so, out it came. they flipped the outlet but it still sticks out from the wall. microwave. oh, the cabinets above didn't allow enough space. they forgot to put spacers on either side of the upper cabinet. so on the floor it sat. the refrigerator fit. barely. it squeaks when you pull it in and out of it's space. the trim around it varies from no space to a quarter of an inch depending on where you look. so, two weeks later when the movers came we had a dishwasher in the middle of the kitchen, a microwave on the floor and a refrigerator that couldn't dispense water. yeah. i went to get a glass of water the morning of the move and all i got was a horrific sound. and no water. i called the appliance store and they said to unplug it. they could get to us in the next day. uh, we have a freezer full of meat. okay, guy will be out that afternoon. in the meantime, cabinet guy is here to fix the microwave opening. just then, the movers get here. so now i have cabinet guy, refrigerator guy, dishwasher in the middle of the kitchen, microwave on the floor, movers putting things wherever it is convenient for them and now the stove needs to be pulled out for cabinet guy. good luck. all while i was home alone and my husband at work. just in case you were wondering we ordered standard sized appliances. and when the microwave was finally able to be placed it had a dent in the bottom from sitting on the floor. they were able to get most of it out. and i let it slide because you can't see it. and they were nice enough to come out at no charge. twice. next was the tape the movers used to protect the floor. they taped down flat cardboard boxes to protect the floors. it left strips of adhesive in more than a dozen places on the kitchen floor. the doorknobs on three doors did not latch properly and could be opened by pushing on them even though they were locked. including the service door to the garage which opened with each strong gust of wind. this was a nice feature especially in our bathroom. now with backyard neighbors, a bathroom door that faces the backyard and a two year old that has to turn on every light in the house. when you're on the can. the vinyl floor in both bathrooms is now coming up. the third stall garage was to be started the week after we signed the papers. it was to take four weeks. it is now march and it is now just getting finished. oh, but not without issue. of course. when they framed it it was raining. they quit that day at 3 pm. when i went out the next morning there was a flood in our garage. i am not sure why they left so early when they could have put the paper up on the roof. and prevented the flood. i don't think they actually started the garage until december. we signed the papers in october. after months of being incomplete earlier this week the cement got poured for the third stall driveway. they came and leveled the dirt and put the pad of cement in front of the service door. while doing that i was standing in our bathroom. i heard and felt a large thud. and then heard the words damn it. sure enough. went outside and they ran into the side of the house and now there is a huge hole in the siding. the service light is still not hooked up and now our cement is chipping in our driveway. the builder is telling us it is from road salt from off of our cars and parking on the driveway during the winter. well, i have a news flash. several of them actually. we don't normally park in our driveway in the winter. because it snows. but since it took them 4 months instead of 4 weeks to complete our garage we couldn't move our belongings in the third stall. they were in our two stall. not allowing us to put our cars in the garage. plus it made it real convenient with small children. because it started snowing about two weeks after we moved in and just stopped about a week ago. and if it was road salt everyone would have chipping in their driveway. but the funny thing is we never put any additional salt on our driveway. because i kept forgetting to pick some up at the store. so what little that would have come off of our cars could not have done that much damage. if any. he said we could seal the new third stall driveway so it wouldn't chip. okay. well, if he knew that salt chipped the cement why didn't he seal it when he built the house to prevent it in the first place. and if he didn't why didn't he mention it to us before the snow fell so we could have sealed it. oh, and another thing. my brother-in-law is a chemical engineer. for pgi. and they make cement fiber. and road salt has absolutely nothing to do with chipping cement. this is the longest hand of cards i have ever played. and i have a feeling it's far from over.

driving miss crazy

i have known my friend moho since the seventh grade. little did i know she would later try to kill me. three times. that i know of. the first time was on nurmi drive in midland. i am not sure why but it is the only drive within the city of midland that is still not paved. i don't remember the circumstance of our jaunt down this road in high school. i use the word jaunt because i am quite certain we were not obeying the posted speed limit of twenty-five miles per hour. anyway, before i knew it my feet were on the dashboard, we were spinning around and there was dust. everywhere. when the dust settled and the coughing stopped there was moho. bright, beautiful teeth grinning ear to ear and laughing that evil little giggle. i must not forget to mention we were in a chevette. yep. the smallest car ever made at the time. i am not sure if her parents ever drove with her. if they had i am sure they would have chosen a larger vehicle. the second time was, again, in high school. We had driven to saginaw to go shopping. or something. on the way back we were merging onto a highway. apparently, the car in front of us wasn't going fast enough for moho. so, she passes them. on the entrance ramp. going about one hundred ten miles per hour. in a chevette. the third and last incident that i am aware of took place in cadillac. on the ski hill. i am petrified of heights. petrified. moho assured me we wouldn't go up the big hill. i should have know better. she said this isn't the big one. but as we made our way up the slope i felt short of breath. because there is less oxygen when you get up that high. and it was the big one. surprisingly, i made it down the hill in one piece even though i was still shaking. and short of breath. from lack of oxygen. when we were at the bottom moho motioned for me to go over by her and try a run. the run with caution tape across it. the one that said do not enter. the one that hadn't been groomed since 1983. the one the chunks of snow were the size of basketballs. yeah. that one. i don't know how we made it through but we did. and we ended up at that same lift. the not so big one. and there was no where to go but up. the other day i was catching up with moho. she hasn't changed much. just a bigger car. she got a ticket in cleveland for aggresive driving. she ran not one but two stop signs in nashville. and ran another stop sign in baltimore. with her boss in the car. and this is just since the beginning of the year. yes, it's only march. she will always be my friend. but i refuse to let her drive when i am in the car. anywhere.

highway robbery

aig chief says the bonuses paid with the help from tax payer bailout money was distasteful. distasteful. i would use the word criminal. the government should have given the bailout money in it's entirety to the american people. at least we actually need it. funny. i had no idea someone else lived ten miles south of common sense.

catch phrase

nothing more funny than a two and a half year old repeating his dad saying good lord, woman.

good year

yesterday, on my way home from wal-mart, a song came on the radio. big surprise. it brought me back to 1986. i remember the year well. at least one week of it. my dad was being inducted into the national softball hall of fame. in hawaii. we couldn't have asked for a better location that year. any other year it could have been any number of cities. thankfully, logansport was out of the running. anyway, the song was true blue. by madonna. i don't know if the song came out in 1986 but it was one of the selections on the music channel for the earphones the airline offered. do you know how many times you can hear one song on the way to hawaii? about 4,675,921 times. and that is just on the way there. the return trip is remembered for another incident. after a week of sun, snorkeling, watching tom selleck film a scene for magnum pi and literally running in to bob hope in our hotel lobby it was time to come home. my parents stayed there a few more days but sent us kids home after a week. by ourselves. on the flight home i was trying to sleep. only after a delicious on board meal. yes. they actually offered food at one time. the flight attendant came by and asked if i wanted fish or chicken. i said chicken. she said we are all out of chicken. and handed me the fish. i was thinking if they were out of chicken why did she even ask. back to my nap. suddenly i felt something by my nose. now, my head was tilted back on the seat with no room to move. so when i flinched my head went forward. all at the same time i felt something go in my nose, i opened my eyes and see my sister. apparently, delirious from sleep deprivation. or loss of cabin pressure. she was holding one of those fruit wrinkles by my nostril. why i don't know. so when i felt it i had nowhere to go but forward. so it went up my nose. i do know that i haven't eaten one of those since.

balanced diet

my husband's food pyramid consists of cheese. meat. bread. more cheese. more meat. and yet more bread. okay so it's more like a food rectangle. he thinks that because he takes medicine for his high cholesterol it is okay to eat these three things. and only these three things. so yesterday afternoon i was in the kitchen. sophie was taking a nap and my husband and will were watching veggie tales. a clever cartoon video series which uses vegetable characters to teach lessons. so, i hear will ask his dad what kind of vegetable one of them was. my husband's reply? well, it's smaller on top than on the bottom. i think that is a pear. a pear you ask? yeah, me too. i walked around the corner into the living room and i look at the tv. i said it's called veggie tales not fruit and veggie tales. it was an effing squash. ironically, squash is the only vegatable my husband will eat. too bad he doesn't even recognize it when he sees it.

too much information

the other day my husband asked me where our daughter's shirts were. a week later i am finally coming to the conclusion. i give him far too much information than he cares to listen to when i answer him. i told him they were in the second drawer down. and after a twenty-three minute explanation he now knows that there are four different piles of shirts within that second drawer down. there is a stack of plain white long sleeve shirts. there is a stack of white short sleeve shirts. there is a stack of short sleeve shirts with a pattern. and there is a stack of long sleeve shirts with a pattern. in the third drawer down are her outfits. multiple pieces that go together. not to be split up and worn separately. so, when i came home from grocery shopping to find our daughter wearing gray pants with a black scotty dog with a red bow on them paired with a long sleeve white shirt with orange trim i came to that conclusion. he didn't listen past me telling him the shirts being in the second drawer down. but i can't complain. she was fed. dressed. and happy.

been there. done that.

awhile ago i got on facebook as some of you may remember. i tried to resist it. now i am an addict. thank you. and while on facebook i got reunited with harper. a friend from high school. she had just moved to sioux falls. south dakota. i mentioned to her we had just moved too. but the funny thing is she just moved there from the area where we just moved to. and this happened in the same month. we were in total disbelief. we are from the same hometown. the weatherman in south bend is even from our hometown area. mike hoffman. harper and i had gone to school together since kindergarten. even went to the same college. as life got busier we lost touch. until facebook. she visited us a few weeks ago, if you recall, when she was back in town for a weekend. it was great to see her. i was disappointed we just missed living by each other. again. i know it won't happen again soon. because for some reason i don't see us moving. to sioux falls.

coming to terms

at some point, in all of our lives, we have pondered the phrase jumbo shrimp. they can't be jumbo if they are shrimp. sometimes the shrimp aren't so jumbo at all. just the price. and then there is my friend mike's favorite. past history. the word history already kind of suggests it is about the past. so even if they were to say passed history they still aren't gaining anything. it's just history. things about the past. so, i was delighted last night when i heard on the news that someone in south bend was fatally wounded. not for the person that was shot. but for the phrase fatally wounded. i am pretty sure they meant he was dead.

have it your way

i mentioned before about my dad and my uncle having, or not having, a great selection in breakfast establishments. here's the rest of the story. my dad's a three egg kind of guy. a go in and sit down breakfast guy. because of this i am not. i pick it up in my car and eat it. either in my car or back at home. and i know what i am getting. every time. my dad on the other hand likes to gamble. take for example our trip to myrtle beach when i was in high school. we were traveling with about five other families. all in separate cars. we split the trip up some place. all i remember is that we stayed over night in a worst western. the next morning while all of the other families drove through mcdonald's and well on their way to sunshine we had to go to bob evan's. and it wasn't that the food was bad. it was the fact that we were delayed. about two hours. i can't remember what took so long. but it wasn't exactly worth the wait. i should have known better. a few years before this incident there was another. and we still talk about it to this day. my dad used to travel a lot either to instruct umpire schools for softball or as umpire-in-chief at softball tournaments all over the country. when he had an engagement close to home we drove and made it into a family vacation. well, this time it landed us in logansport, indiana. good god. i don't remember much of the trip except it smelled like manure. all day. every day. and the fly lady. the fly lady resided at, you guessed it, a breakfast establishment. it wasn't your typical breakfast establishment. it was a truck stop. the sheriff was even there that morning. as we entered i was quick to point out the wallpaper was taped to the wall. taped. as we made our way through the smoke we sat down at a booth. there was an older couple sitting in the booth behind us and a rather large lady sitting at a table in the middle of the restaurant. i use the word restaurant very loosely. i can't remember anything but these two things. about half way through our meal the gentleman in the booth behind us let out a huge belch. not unlike that of my late aunt helen's belches. now the fly lady was in clear view. of all of us. so i have witnesses. i can't remember why the lady was dubbed the fly lady. i am sure my mom can probably set me straight. i have tried to block the entire incident from my memory. short of therapy. i do know that she was picking up creamer packets. and putting them down her shirt. we all made it out alive. and we now know why the sheriff's car was there. he wasn't there to eat. i can assure you that fact.

open door policy

my friend admits she hasn't gone to the bathroom alone in probably four years. with three kids it is easily understood. i am working on two and half years myself. enter my husband. when we met he couldn't pee with the door open. he couldn't pee with him even knowing i knew he was in the bathroom. so, it makes me laugh when he now announces to our son that he is going to the bathroom and he will be right back. because our son certainly doesn't understand the concept of privacy. i no longer even shut the door. so, it gave me great pleasure to come home this weekend to see my husband. in all his glory. bathroom door wide open. with kids.

things happen for a reason

take, for instance, the little rat bastard. if the andy rooney incident never occurred i wouldn't have had to find a new groomer. if we would have killed the little rat bastard that would have been a different story too. but on the way to that new groomer i wouldn't have discovered another wal-mart. never mind that fact you can't get there from here. i kind of have to zig zag to get to state line road or county road twenty or whatever they call it where i get on it. which turns to west county line. which turns to ash. and sometime after that right before you get to the groomer it turns to county road twenty. so by the time i actually get to wal-mart i have no idea what street it is really on. but i do know how to get there. i don't care. because i don't even have to put an s on the end any longer. when i walked through the doors i heard angels singing. seriously. i think i may even have seen a bright light. the greeter actually did her job. she greeted me. the store was new. there were no chewing tobacco gobs atop the freshly laid asphalt. the floors weren't sticky. they actually had lights that enabled you to see where you were going. and the cashier was friendly. on sunday. in the morning.

flashback

yesterday i drove to grand rapids and back. to see my hair guy. i don't care how far away we move. i refuse to give up my hair guy. he is that good. on the way home i saw something i hadn't seen in at least ten years. at least. i came up on a pickup truck. not unusual. but there were two people in it. and you guessed it. guy was driving. girl was in the middle seat. no one else in the truck. i used to sit in the middle seat when i worked for the city during college over the summers. because there were three of us assigned to one truck. not because just being in the same truck wasn't close enough. get a room. and yes, the truck had indiana plates. in case you were wondering.

redemption

ok, culligan man. although it was short. it was irritating. but you have been redeemed. this time. i called our water softener guy friday morning. we found not one leak but two leaks thursday night. who knows how long it was leaking. all i know is it was a steady drip out of two different lines. so, i call friday morning. mind you, we pay a monthly service to be a part of their privilege program. after the phone call friday morning i am curious as to what advantage that might be to us. i explained the situation to the customer service person. she came back with a response that lead me to believe she just may have, at one point in time, been employed at wal-marts. as a cashier. on sunday mornings. she said someone could be out tuesday. tuesday. it's friday. that is in five days. i expressed my disbelief to which she replied, 'you are in michigan. we don't even service michigan until tuesdays and thursdays.' so, i told her to schedule me. this would give us enough time to build an ark. and call our sales guy that sold us this piece of work. i will make sure next time we have a leak it is on a tuesday or thursday. for my convenience. later friday afternoon the culligan guy shows up. i am not going to mention the fact that my sales guy didn't call back and tell me someone was coming friday. or mention the service guy calling before he got here to tell me he was going to come to the house and fix it. two minutes before he pulled in the driveway. being retired, i rarely look presentable so i was a bit miffed that i couldn't even throw a pair of jeans on before he got here. but i am not complaining. the leaks were easily fixed. and on a friday. i guess that is what it means to be in the privilege program. only after a call to the sales guy.

hey, culligan man

bite me.

kodiak sign

as i was getting back into my car this morning after a mid-week trip to wal-marts i noticed something strange. perhaps i hadn't noticed it until now because up to this point there has been snow and ice on the ground. and i was only on the look out for mullets. i have never noticed this at any other store. i spied none other than discarded chewing tobacco gobs. and why i mention it is because it wasn't just one or two. they were all over. just around my car alone i counted seven gobs. i was surprised that they were actually discarded in the parking lot however. and not in the store.

can you hear me now?

i remember growing up on harper lane. like it was yesterday. we were all pretty tight knit. there were a ton of kids on the street. all ages. we had a vacant lot on one side of us and the worthy's lived on the other side. jack and verna worthy. they had two kids. greg and monica. my dad used to call monica a different name. he called her monicaca because my mom despised the word caca and my dad did it just to annoy her. my dad officiated many sports back in the day. although he really is deaf now i think a lot of it back then was selective hearing from making bad calls. he also had selective hearing when the phone rang at all hours of the night when someone felt the need to express their concerns over those bad calls. except of course when watching tv. i was again reminded of this yesterday. my mom always used to ask my dad if verna's tv was working. i almost asked him that question yesterday. and it would have been even more funny as verna still lives in midland. about 243 miles northeast of my current house. but i am sure she could have heard our tv. hell, osama bin laden could have heard it. in his cave. in pakistan. you see, i had just put the kids down for a nap. and i had a headache. and my dad comes upstairs and turns the tv on. now you would think that if you were deaf you wouldn't feel the need to turn the volume on let alone adjust the volume. because you can't hear. not my dad. he not only proceeds to turn the volume up so the good people of pakistan can hear it but he also starts to talk to me. above the volume of the tv. by this time sophie was up and crawling around. and my dad starts to hum the michigan state fight song. sophie's favorite. and some time between the human trumpeting of fight, fight, rah, team, fight and yelling victory for msuuuuuuuuuuuuuu somehow will was rudely awakened. somehow. and if i hadn't have already had a headache i would have gotten one anyway.

while mom's away

the carpenter is here to stay. he was graciously volunteered by my mom and myself. i had a few appointments that i didn't want to drag both kids to so it was the lesser of two evils. today i was getting sophie ready for her doctor's appointment and my dad was watching will. i use the term watching loosely. we have a kitchen that has two wide open entrances to the family room. at any given point in the day will is running laps. my dad's pet peeve ever since i can remember is running in the house. i gave up on will a long time ago about running in the house. the last thing i said to him about it was i didn't want him crying to me when he fell down and got hurt. this morning on his 6,507th lap my dad asked will if he was walking. as will ran past him he told him flat out 'no'. didn't miss a step. i chuckled. and then i heard my dad chuckle. i think we were both thinking the same thing. well, he wasn't walking and that's what he asked him. after i returned from the doctor's office i fixed will some lunch. my dad was bringing some tools up from the basement and on his way out the garage door my dad said, 'whore.' speaking to the ladder he had in his hands of course. so will pipes up and says, 'it's whore outside'. hey, the poor kid comes by it honestly is all i have to say.

bright lights, big city

well, hopefully by this time next month i will be visiting las vegas with an old high school friend over her spring break. i spent most of the day today trying to figure out the best deal. and travel schedule. we both are in need of warmth. but don't want to have to wear swimsuits. neither one of us care for gambling. kind of funny. but that's how we are. funny like that. we are looking forward to drinks. drinks. massages. drinks. pedicures. drinks. food. maybe catch a show or drinks. and drinks.

sighting

about two minutes after i posted the missing walrus entry the dog barked. not shocking, i know. but after the barking stopped will asked with excitement, 'did sully see the walrus?' great. not only do i have a kid that thinks there is a walrus in his backyard but he now thinks his dog sees it too.

calling all cars

we have an apb out. for dennis. the walrus. he was last seen yesterday afternoon. eating mouses. macaroni and cheese. and mussels. he has braces. owns an orngens blanket. apparently, he was last seen wearing an orange winter coat. with a scarf. and mittens. we kind of miss dennis. and we hope he comes back soon.