picture perfect

it was picture time yesterday morning. again. and this time will wanted to look at the new christmas photos i had finally uploaded. but didn't get organized. or edited. so we get to one that should have been portrait. but was still landscape. and will exclaimed, 'oh my goodness! i fell over!'

here's your sign

this billboard is just a few turns from our house. it's so redneck down here even the billboards are double wide. it's how we roll.

sick leave

until further notice. which really won't be a notice. i'll just start writing again. on a random day. when i can get more than two hours of sleep. in a row. on any given night.

aisle be back

so yesterday at wal-marts i needed to pick up two more storage totes. yet again. with my regular groceries. as i made my way through the store there were a couple of items i needed. that i usually don't get. so i wasn't sure where they were located. karo syrup. you would think this would be located in the baking aisle. because you use it to bake. you thought wrong. it's next to the syrup. like pancake syrup. you know because you use it to pour over your pancakes. the next item was carnation instant breakfast. now, i am on this kick. to use all the stuff in the pantry that we haven't used. in years. i think i bought my husband this carnation instant breakfast 3 years ago. because it came with us from the other house. and it was dusty. but mighty tasty. tasty enough for me to get some more. and you would think it would be in the breakfast cereal aisle. but you would think wrong. it's by the hot cocoa. and tea. and coffee. and all that added on about a half an hour to my shopping trip. too bad i didn't need olives. i know where those are at. right by all the other vegetables. by the ketchup. and mustard. and i absolutely refuse to ask for help. because you know all i can see coming out of their mouth is 'all you gotta do is loook'. and i wasn't in the mood. and when i get home i discovered that some jackhole put a smaller sized storage bin inside the larger sized bin that i wanted. so, instead of getting two larger sized bins i got one smaller and one bigger. all you gotta do is loook.

what she said

i used to have a memory like a steal trap. they say after childbirth you lose your mind. litterally. i now say i have given birth to my memory. twice. and it shows. i can't even remember which kid i am talking to these days. or yelling. my mom used to call my sister by my name. and me by my sister's name. all the time. and we used to tease her about it. of course. well, it's my turn. i even throw my husband's name in there too. on occassion. and when we had the dog, oh yeah, him too. the other day was no different. when i say sophie and mean will. or when i say will and i mean sophie. i usually continue with the phrase or whatever your name is. i think will has caught on.

me [talking to sophie]: will, your cup is on your little table. i mean sophie.

will: or whatever your name is.

an open letter

dear pampers:

you are the only company i can find that produces pull-up training pants without a rip away side. and i am forced to purchase your product. i am not sure why you feel the need to provide your product with a scent. a scent that smells no better, if not worse, than a urinal cake. plus, it gives me a headache. i am just thankful you don't produce them in my town. i would have to move.

thanks.

boobie trap

will has been getting up early these days. very. early. i have been sleeping out on the couch. again. my husband's cpap machine is not really staying on his face. and until he gets the chin strap i am on the couch. for his own safety. anyway, when will wakes up he bolts out of his room. and throws the ceiling lights on. in the living room. right in my face. some days as early as 5:30 am. i've tried to explain. he won't listen. so every morning he wants to look at pictures. on my computer. he sits next to me. and i put my arm around him. and we start to look. here is the conversation we had this morning:

will [with his head resting on my boob]: can i touch your boob?

me: no.

will: can i kiss your boob?

me: no [trying to explain about private parts and personal space].

will: can i kiss it just a little bit?

like father. like son. oy.

take a number

after will's initial trip to the potty. and making one big drop. he refused to even acknowledge the potty the following day. but the day after he made up for it. he told me twice he had to go pee. and he did, in fact, go both times. in the potty. the second time we were in the bathroom. he was on his potty. and i was sitting on the toilet. waiting patiently. and waiting. and waiting. and sure enough he started to pee. and pee. and pee. now it wasn't continuous. it was in little spurts. every few seconds. over a couple of minutes. i am assuming he just doesn't have enough pressure. yet. and know how to use it. after about the fourth spurt will looks up at me and says, 'i went number nine!' now, that's a classic.

follow the yellow brick road

after my weekly trip to wal-marts this week i needed to return something around the mall area. in mishawaka. i took a country road. it was uneventful. until i ran into a roundabout. in the middle of a cornfield. i thought i was back in new zealand. the very first time i was made aware of a roundabout we were traveling on our honeymoon. in new zealand. the posted speed limit was fifty-five. or whatever. but most drove eighty-seven miles above and beyond that limit. anyway, tooling along we were and all of a sudden we came to a screeching halt. due to a roundabout. in the middle of nowhere. it didn't make sense there. and it didn't make sense here. and you all know how i feel about them anyway. and any where. like the one in wellington. we tried to go to wellington three times on our honeymoon. the first was when we arrived. and we couldn't find where we wanted to go. so we left. the second time we drove in from our house we had rented. and got caught in a five lane roundabout. and went around 159 times before we finally made it to an outside lane and said eff it. so we left. the third time we took the train. we got there. finally. and by the time we got off the train it was pouring rain. sideways. and so we left. it then brought back yet another memory. i laugh out loud every time i think about it. and it was well over five years ago. my mom had taken the entire family to disney for our christmas present. one night my sister and her husband and me and my husband decided to go out for a nice dinner. at downtown disney. we had a nice dinner. ate at the house of blues. and then it was time to go. we followed the signs. but couldn't get out of the damn park. we kept missing our exit. we were laughing so hard we almost peed our pants. tears streaming down our faces. and me braying like a freaking donkey. because i couldn't get enough air to breath. we passed mr. mc shakey at mcdonald's four times. we turned around in animal kingdom parking lot four times. i'd love to see the surveillance coverage. on our fifth round we finally caught the sign for our exit. and were on our way home. i wasn't aware there were roundabouts at disney.

fowl play

i was making dinner tonight. will asked me what i was making. i told him chicken. he said he didn't like chicken. i asked him if he liked chicken nuggets. he said yes. i asked him what he thought chicken nuggets were made from. he said chicken nuggets.

good to the last drop

yesterday, the ninth of january, 2010, will sat on the potty. with no clothes on. and went pee. it was only a drop. but he did point out that it was a very big drop. he was excited. we were excited. we took pictures. but i think he is totally over going potty now. like he did it once. and that was good enough for him.

the eyes have it

a few nights ago we were sitting at the dinner table. sophie pointed at my eyes. and said eyes. i asked her to point at her eyes. and she did. i asked her what color her eyes were. she said brown. i told her my eyes were brown. and hers were blue. i then told will his eyes used to be blue too. like the blue of his booster seat.

will: what color are they now?

me: they are a little more grey. like grampa dale's. so i'm told.

will: grampa dale?

me: yep.

will: where is grampa dale?

me: well, grampa dale is an angel in heaven.

will: is he going to come and visit us?

me [tears welling in my eyes]: oh, i think he visits us every day.

spot on

the other day when my mom and i were at salvation army i was not kidding when i said we were there for over two hours. the funny thing is that when we got home my mom made the comment that we hadn't even looked at the linens while we were there. seriously. the woman does not need any more linens. of any kind. every summer in my hometown, where my parents still live, they have an antique show. three times a summer. we usually hit every one. and most of the time we meet up with my mom's friend pegs. and her daughter-in-law. none of us need a thing. but just in case we go anyway. my mom and pegs like to look at linens. every. single. one. of. them. at least it seems like it. there is nothing wrong with it. it just all looks the same to me. one time pegs was looking for a tablecloth. she found one. my mom and her unfolded it. held it up to the light. folded it. unfolded it. held it up, well, you get the picture. they finally found one. with no holes. no fading. or stains. until it was lunch time. we all got a hotdog. with relish. ketchup. and mustard. we found some seats in the bleachers. and began to eat. we are usually all famished by this time. and didn't pay attention to the fact pegs had put her prized tablecloth laying at the top of her bag. that she sat between her legs. the perfect place for a drop of mustard to land on from the end of her hotdog. and so it did. after all that.

epic fail

maybe it's because i have a two year old. maybe it's because i have a three year old. at the same time. maybe it's because we moved to the middle of nowhere. maybe it's because i don't work any longer. maybe it's because our brand new house has had so many problems. ridiculous problems. maybe it's because my husband is stressed. and tired. maybe it's because i am rarely showered. maybe it's because my house is a disaster. all. the. time. i have lost all control. my kids won't listen to me. they have turned into brats. sassy brats. overnight. and the only thing i did have control over were my crops. in farmville. on facebook. and yesterday for whatever reason farmville was not working. and i didn't even have control over that.

you can't touch this

midas. everything he touched turned to gold. sophie. everything she touches turns to broken.

name game

the other morning will was at the table coloring. gran [my mom] always finds the kids those vinyl placemats. with fun scenes on them. for all seasons. they use those to color on too. this particular day will was using the halloween one. it has a pumkin and a cat on it. and the word halloween.

will: what does this word say?

me: halloween.

will: spell it.

me: h-a-l-l-o-w-e-e-n.

will: that spells gran!

another open letter

dear husband [my husband]:

as i cleaned the toilet today not once. not twice. but three times. and the floor around it. twice. along with the walls. it still smelled like urine. i would not think any less of you if you sat down to pee.

thanks

never ending

last night, as i was doing laundry, i heard my husband yell for me to bring him a band-aid. now, the kids were driving us crazy. all. day. long. slamming their doors during their slamming the door game. which we have banned. but for some reason they don't think we are serious. nor have they stopped. so i thought for sure someone finally got their finger pinched. or broken. to which i would have told either one of them not to come crying to me. but i didn't hear any screaming. and the band-aid was for my husband anyway. probably chewed off a fingernail to deep. let me back up. when he called for the band-aid i was in the laundry room. perfect. the band-aids are right above the washer and dryer. in a cupboard. in a bin. with all of the other bandage supplies. except for when your husband uses the band-aids last. and leaves them in your bathroom. on the counter. this infuriates me. to no end. it's bad enough the kids don't put things back where they belong. and now my husband can't seem to do it either. it's not new. but this is one of my favorites. my mom's too. and probably everyone else's that's reading this. that's married. to a man. because it's the same with everything else. my husband gets mad that i organize the garage. and actually put tools away. and then he gets mad at me. when he can't find something. well, i really wasn't the last person to use the drill. or any one of the 1,749,208 screwdrivers that we own. had he put them back where he freaking got them it wouldn't be an issue.

room service

the other day i get the bright idea to move the living room furniture around. i get sick of looking at it. day in. and day out. since the room is so open there really isn't any other way to put it. except the way we already have it. but i wanted to try it. it didn't work. it's back to the way it was. boring. but it did remind me of something when i was moving the furniture. and dusting behind it. this is disgusting. and kind of funny all at the same time. funny only because i just can't believe it kind of funny. and my husband is going to kill me. but i don't care. he did it. at our old house i was cleaning one night. and i was really getting into it. so into it i was moved to pull the couch out. and actually vacuum behind it. upon doing so i got the wand out on the vacuum and started by the baseboard. all of a sudden i heard this weird noise. like i was picking up needles. or something. i quick turned the vacuum off and looked. and there before my eyes was a pile of nails. yeah. nails. fingernails. chewed off thrown behind the couch fingernails. a big pile. and when i say pile i mean the kind that is mounded. i. was. furious. i mean, really. first of all, who does that? and second of all, did he think the chewed off fingernail fairy was going to come and magically remove them? i understand that a stray piece of nail may be found as that sometimes happens when you are using nail clippers. but he chews his off. so he knows exactly where they went. oh yeah. and the couch in the basement had a chewed off fingernail fairy that was sent for but never arrived too. since then i now just find them at random. even in his car. at least there weren't any behind the couch. this time.

resolution

it's not so much a new year's resolution. i have given up on that. i wanted will to be potty trained by the age of three. he was three last month. and he has yet to even look at the potty. let alone sit on it. we got a potty for each bathroom. about a year ago. and they have been sitting there ever since. wishful thinking. as you may remember the sippy cups have gotten more action on the potty than will. i have an old classmate that has potty trained five boys. five. she always took each of her boys to the store to pick out their very own potty. i thought this idea was grand. even though i already had picked some up. at sales. but i was willing to fork over some more money. we have been talking the potty up for what seems like years. talking about going on the big potty. and getting to wear big boy underwear. with cars on them. i also mentioned going to the store. to pick out his very own potty. i was happy to see he got excited when i mentioned it. i explained that they even have one that looks and sounds like a big truck. he could barely contain his excitement. so he starts to tell me that we are going to go to the store. and ride in a cart. and pick out a potty. and then we can just leave it there. damn. so close. but no cigar. we even got him a dvd on going potty. he loves dvds. not this one. he refuses to even look at the dvd box. even after i finally got the effing thing unwrapped. i even tried to bribe him with the m & m thing. which certainly didn't work. he doesn't even know what an m & m is. because he has never even had candy. of any kind. and that leads us to the other day. sophie has been sitting on the potty for months. she hasn't gone in it yet. but she asks to go on it. and sits on it. and uses toilet paper. and then runs around the house naked. i really think that is the only reason she goes on the potty. to streak. anway, the other day sophie was on the potty. and will walks in. i thought this would be the day. he actually got within two feet of the potty. and just when i thought he was walking over to sit on it - even with his clothes on. i didn't care - he reaches for the insert. pulls it up to his face. and pretends to drink from it. like it's lord stanley's cup. and he just won game seven. of the final. well, at least he touched it.